Don't Compare

Today I was the host for the weekly playgroup. At the end I was able to talk to one of the mom's for a minute. I had a profound revelation while I was talking to her.

My friend is in the Primary presidency for our ward. The Primary Program is coming up soon and the presidency is very concerned about whether the kids are ready or not when it comes to the music. We just got a new Primary chorister and it is a hard calling for her. She is struggling. I have been the Primary chorister many times and it comes very easy to me. I enjoy teaching kids, I love music, and I have had many opportunities to 'perfect' my music pedagogy skills. But she has not. This is her first time.

They want to have a meeting to see what we can do to get ready for the program. I am the pianist and don't really think I need to go. Plus, I would hate to cause the chorister any anxiety by anything I would say that she might misconstrue as a criticism. She is not me and definitely brings her own skill set to this calling. I would hate to intimidate her as I know I have a big personality and a lot of opinions. Haha! I just don't want her to compare herself to me. I really think she is doing a great job so far and seems to be getting more comfortable each week. It just really would not be fair for her to compare herself to me in this capacity. I know I have a natural gift for this and years and years of experience.

In the same way, the chorister is an amazing woman. It can almost be intimidating if I look at myself compared to her. Every time I have gone to her house, it is immaculate and she is so well put together. Her kids are a joy and she seems so organized. I, on the other hand, am not so organized, and nine times out of ten, my house is a disaster zone. My kids are a bit unruly and I have somewhat of a temper. In other words, just like she might be intimidated with my chorister skills, I could say with ease that I am intimidated a tiny bit by her homemaking skills.

However, just like I have had years of practice and a natural gift for teaching, I learned that my chorister friend gets a lot of help from her mother. According to my friend, her mother has potty-trained all of her kids. Her mother is there a lot to do stuff with the family and lend a hand. I, on the other hand, don't ever get that kind of support. I am on my own and my husband is out of town every single week.

I realized even more how foolish it is to compare myself to others. I have been blessed with a lot of strengths, but I definitely have weaknesses to keep me humble.  The dear chorister would definitely say the same thing about her strengths and weaknesses.

In the end, we are all just people doing the best we can with the skills and resources that are available to us. Don't compare yourself to others. You don't have the same skills and resources that they do, no matter what it looks like from the outside peering in.

What I do know is that I am very grateful that the chorister and the other women who live around me are in my life. I have learned a lot while living here and in other places. Instead of it being a competition, I know I can rely on these women to be a resource and inspiration to me. I think it is natural to compare, but with some perspective it definitely helps me stay grounded and secure in who I am and what I can do.

Bury the Weapons

I had an "A-ha" moments today that I need to write down. I don't ever want to forget it because I know that the Holy Ghost was teaching me today and I was really listening.

This morning I shared a Gospel Art Kit picture with my little ones for our scripture study.



These are the Anti-Nephi-Lehi people. They were true converts to the everlasting gospel, who had once been a murderous, blood-thirsty people. But once they took upon themselves the name of Jesus Christ and were washed in His blood, they refused to take up weapons anymore, no matter what.

"Now, my best beloved brethren, since God hath taken away our stains, and our swords have become bright, then let us stain our swords no more with the blood of our bethren." -Alma 24:12

They literally dug a deep hole in the Earth, and buried all of their weapons. They would not fight again. It sounds so easy, but it was not. These Lamanites had a deep desire to do the will of God and be in complete harmony with the Spirit. They feared that if they fought again, they would never be forgiven. But there were other Lamanites in the land that were not converted and were still blood-thirsty murderers. These Lamanites were angry with the Anti-Nephi-Lehies and vowed to kill them.

The natural instinct would be a desire to defend oneself and take up arms, but the Anti-Nephi-Lehies would not. They went out into a field to meet the Lamanites, knelt on the ground a prayed mightily. For they knew..."if our brethren destroy us, behold, we shall go to our God and shall be saved." And the Lamanites fell upon them and struck them down, slaying 1,005 of them.

It was so awful. I can just picture it and it makes me cry. But out of something so awful, a mighty miracle happened. The attackers experienced a mighty change of heart and put down their weapons. Hence, the dead went to celestial glory and even more Lamanites were converted and brought to the truth, even more than a thousand! "Thus we see that the Lord worketh in many ways to the salvation of his people." -Alma 24: 27

I recently got into a fight with a family member. The swords were flying and I am not proud of myself. This scripture story has definitely chastened me. How can I change my relationships with people in my life who are a challenge to me? Easy. Put down my weapons. Bury them deep in the ground.

Jesus put it another way when He taught that we must turn the other cheek. The Anti-Nephi-Lehies took this teaching very seriously and trusted God utterly and completely. And look what happened? Miracles.

I know I have to do the same thing. I need to bury my 'weapons' deep in the ground and never get them out again. When I stop fighting and defending myself, there will be peace. And only the peace the surpasseth all understanding. Yes, I know that I will probably get 'injured'. It may hurt a bit for a while, but I know that if I put down my weapons, miracles will happen.

A Report on School

The twins have completed one full week of public education. So far, it has lived up to my expectations of being a major disappointment.

The school spent six entire days reviewing rules, policies, procedures, rules, and more rules. In terms of a percentage, I would gather to say this ate up more than 80% of the time for those six days. I actually talked to the principal about it. No, I am not exaggerating...like, at all. I asked him why and he told me that it is a really large school (1500 students) and the rules take time to teach and implement. I am just going to let this fact speak for itself, but it would be an understatement to say that I am more than a little bit ticked off.

And it did not take a week for Zach to get called a name by a punk in one of his classes. Let's just say, he came home this week and asked me what the word F-A-G meant. That's right. This is the wonderful socialization my kids have missed out on for the first seven years of their schooling lives.

Last week the Deseret News had a front page story titled "Back to (Home) School". I eagerly read it and then rolled my eyes a lot. First of all, it is the same tired story the media runs repeatedly. Same facts, same format, just insert a new family into the mix. It is another example of the drive-by media at its best. They have a formula they have already created in their socially-constructed newsroom and then they just fill in the blanks, kind of like Mad-Libs, but dumber and not as funny.

And of course to be a well-balanced, impartial story they include the nay-sayers. This time it was the president of the Utah teacher's union.

Professional educators counter that truly effective teaching is difficult. Utah Education Association President Sharon Gallagher-Fishbaugh even described the profession as being "rocket science."

"Those who feel that they are able to do this job without any training, I think don’t have a big picture or a complete understanding of the complexity of teaching," she said. "There is definitely a science to teaching and there is an art to teaching, and you really can’t have one without the other and be a good teacher."

She said the role of parents, in any form of education, cannot be understated and that any good teacher recognizes that parents know their child's needs better than anyone.

But she added that teachers are trained to look at student learning from pedagogical and developmental viewpoints, which goes beyond simply presenting children with information about a subject.

There is also a benefit to having an objective teacher involved in the education of a child, Gallagher-Fishbaugh said. In her own experience, she believed her children "walked on water" but was often surprised by the insight she gained from parent teacher conferences.

"It was something that I, as a parent, couldn’t see through the fog of my love and my adoration for my angelic child," she said.

This statement is insulting on so many levels.

First of all, teaching is like rocket science?!? Really? She's joking, right? Do you remember all of those "rocket scientist" teachers that taught you when you were in school?  I can't seem to recall any.  I can list a ton of my teachers who were barely average at best. There were a few absolute gems, of course. But to equate teaching to this level of sophistication is beyond hubris, it is down right silly. Yes, she recognizes that parental input is important but then in almost the same breath completely disregards it.

Truly effective teaching is NOT difficult. Ridiculous! Absurd!! When I take the time, sit down with my child in a learning environment, crack open a book, read it, discuss it, research more, do a project, etc, etc, learning prospers and it is amazing. And I have the benefit of doing it one-on-one. I don't have to manage 35 children. And the resources are googol on Google. There is no ending to where we can go with it.

And yes, I think I have a perfect grasp of the big picture. And I have the luxury of not wasting six, count it...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 entire days going over rules. Wouldn't you say that is really missing the BIG picture?

I also understand the complexity of it, as I understand that teaching the facts, presenting accurate information and making sure it is mastered is grasping the 'complexity' of what education is all about. I remember taking an education class in college and being absolutely appalled at the expert 'training' future teachers were receiving. The most absurd moment came when the professor asked what was more important to teach, facts or self-esteem. The most disturbing part was that a lot of these future teachers said self-esteem. How do you teach that, exactly? It seems to me in my untrained, non-rocket scientist mind that self-esteem is a product of hard work, accomplishment, knowledge, and actions. It is not something you attain in and of itself. Kids know when they are not fabulous and know when you are lying to them. Just like you can't feel love for someone just by existing. Love takes work and is a consequence of that work.

Hence, in my simple, backwoods, ignorant way I actually open up books and delve into subjects with my kids and engage their minds in new, unexplored areas.  In the end, I know that the big picture is to teach my kids HOW to think and not what to think. I believe it is exactly the opposite in the public schools.

And news flash, lady. I have met a whole lot of homeschool moms, and I can bet my exposure to different homeschoolers outweighs hers by about a killion. I have never, not once, thought my kids walked on water and I can certainly attest to the fact the majority, minus a few, were the same. We would sit for hours talking about what to do with this problem or that, trying to think of a new way to reach out and engage our children in dynamic learning. This is truth!  This is Realville. Because, and only because, we are on the front-lines of education day after day after day, we know intimately what is going on and where are kids are at physically, mentally, and emotionally. We don't come from a place where we send our kids off 35 hours a week and never see them and have not a clue what is going on. I think that is where a parent can get delusional about how fabulous their kid is. I know my kids are fabulous, absolutely, but they are very flawed, just like every other human being that walks the earth.

And this gets me to my next point that really annoys me. Why is that homeschoolers are held to this ridiculous standard when it comes to socialization?  Why do we even talk about this, like, ever?  Why don't we just turn the finger around and point it at the public schools for a minute? It is as if for some reason society has held this public institution up as the gold standard for a place of perfect socialization training. Seriously? You mean to tell me you never met any weird, awkward, strange, outcast type person who came out of high school? I seem to remember at my high school there being tables and tables of them in the lunchroom. In addition, there were tables and tables of mean, clickish, snobby kids as well. And tables and tables of drug-addicts and bimbos. You were not liked unless you wore the right shoes, had the right haircut, and stylish, over-priced clothes, or owned the latest electronic gadget. You were made fun of if you enjoyed answering the teachers questions in class, ala Hermoine Granger, or did extra to excel and reach your fullest potential or had a desire to actually learn 'information' at school. Has it really changed since I was there? Or maybe, has gotten even worse?

The successfully socialized student ends up like everyone else. Sounds pretty boring to me!

On the flip side, when my kids went to the playground with a horribly matched outfit they put together themselves, dirty face, and ratty, bed head hair, there was a smiling, genuine face there to greet them. There was no name-calling, and if it did happen rarely, punishment was swift and severe. My kids were able to see other kids for the glorious, wonderful, unique individuals that they were. My kids are comfortable speaking to adults and younger kids alike. Are there awkward homeschoolers who live up to the stereotype? Of course, but compared to what comes out of public schools...are you kidding me?

With all of this said, here I am with my twins in public school. Like I mentioned before, I am only human and putting them is school is for me and not them. I need a break to regroup and get my little kids on the homeschooling path.

Eli is now reading on a second-grade level, his math skills are stupendous, his comprehension is top-notch. However, handwriting is more difficult for him and he is going to have to work on improving it. Harry is doing well also, but he does have a hard time pronouncing his R's, L's, and C's clearly. I have thought about speech therapy but I don't want to be hasty. Julia is great with handwriting and drawing but math is going to be a struggle for her. I will just have to take it slowly to make sure she masters each step before she moves on.

See, they are all fabulous, but they certainly do not walk on water.

Please, Please, Just Show Up

Okay, so this has been bothering me for a while and I can't hold it in anymore. Fortunately, I have my blog to let it spew. And it's NOT about politics, okay?

I read a book about a month ago titled, "How To Be Interesting (In 10 Simple Steps)" by Jessica Hagy. I saw it at a gift store in Philly and decided to buy a copy on Amazon. It is a pearl of a book. I love it. It is mostly drawings: charts and Venn diagrams. Profound would be my one word to describe it. I wanted to share it with friends and neighbors and have a little book club to discuss it and then maybe try things together as a group... see where the road takes us. I guess the problem is that there is no us. It is just me, pretty much.

One of her pie charts shows that the majority of success comes from just showing up. A very small slice can be attributed to other things, but just showing up is huge. I am tired of being disappointed in people. It happens too frequently. It makes me ill. It makes me feel sad and awkward and stupid. I plan something and then no one comes. No one. Okay, that is probably an exaggeration, but it is pretty darn close to the truth. Hence, the things that I really care about and desperately want to do, I don't dare, for fear of disappointment. I know this is a terrible way of thinking and actually goes against everything in the book, but it is what I am struggling with right now.

I would love to have a book club, or some kind of group that does things together. I don't care who. Anyone, and I mean anyone, could come. I have all of these big ideas and I try to implement things and it just fizzles so quick. I am a person that needs intellectual stimulation and camaraderie.

Last summer, someone in the ward planned a camping trip. We left early, had lots of fun, and planned on meeting up with everyone a few days later. All four families canceled on us. Every. Single. One.

At Christmas time I really wanted to have an ugly Christmas sweater party. I tried really hard to make it happen and in the end four people came. Two of the four were Leah and Jamie who already lived at my house. Does that even count?

I wanted to play ultimate frisbee with people in our neighborhood and ward and was able to get one other family to come. Sigh. People told me it was a great idea and that they would come, but of course, did not.

And then there are the people at church that I would really like to make a connection with, considering the fact that our kids are the same age and we will probably be with each other for decades. It would be nice to make some friends. Unfortunately, there is always an excuse, a let down, a disappointment.  Or it is very one-sided. I will babysit their kids for hours on end and can't get them to help me with a very simple favor because they are just too busy. It is not that I expect anything but it is hard to get rejected on the one hand and then see them living it up with friends on social media, repeatedly, doing things that I am not invited to do.

It is hard to not feel a bit discouraged. I do. I am not going to lie. I realize that this is probably very skewed and that I am being a bit emotional about it. I most assuredly am seeing this from a distorted point of view, but it is just how I feel now. I know the feelings will pass and I will overcome. But for the moment, I am kind of feeling sorry for myself.

I would like to throw a summer party for my kids and invite the neighborhood to come, but I really am afraid to put myself out there. What if I commit to this for my kids and I get the same wretched response? I honestly don't think I could bear it.

But let me say, that I do have some amazing friends. I just wish they lived a little bit closer. I am very grateful for them and for their love and support.

Going back to my original thought about the interesting book. I did have a great discussion with Rinar about this book and he made a great point. I shouldn't be so concerned about being interesting, but in being interested. I really want a full, interesting, and interested life, full of people who let me be a part of theirs. I guess I still need to figure out where to look. It has been a rough start for me and this neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love where I live and I really have nice neighbors. It would just be nice if a few of my nice neighbors made an effort to show up once in a while.

How to NEVER Fail

As an avid news reader, I came across a little tidbit about a famous actress. I don't really see the point of saying who it is. It is really not that important. But what she says, the headlines she makes, really bother me quite a bit. I couldn't really put my finger on it specifically until today. 

This was her latest quote... 'For some reason, we get into relationships and we expect one man to understand ‘all’ the parts of us and meet all of those needs. I think that’s where everything fails.' She goes on to advocate short-term relationships and has repeatedly expressed her negative views about marriage.

Besides the obvious annoying, detrimental crap that spews from her mouth, it was something more that really bothered me. 

The actress, gorgeous, successful, "amazing", takes such an incredibly selfish, narcissistic, egotistical view of what marriage is all about. Apparently, in her point of view marriage is something where the man is supposed to fulfill all of her whims, needs, and aggrandize her incredible fabulousness. And since that just is not possible, because she is clearly so fabulous, marriage is just bound to fail her.

Well, amen to that!  Yes, I could not possibly see how marriage would ever settle on her or anyone who takes such a self-centered view of it. Or even how someone with that kind of attitude has the ability to foster any type of lasting, true friendship.

How can anyone possibly expect to be successful at marriage when they expect to have a partner who is able to fulfill all of their needs? It is ridiculous. When I feel dissatisfied with people in my life or with relationships, I can't blame anyone but myself. A true relationship is where I can serve and give of myself. And amazingly enough, when I serve, when I give my best self, it is always reciprocated ten-fold. I see this with my husband and I especially see it with my children.

I have a true and faithful husband who loves me pretty and loves me ugly. Does he satisfy 'all' the parts of me? Well, no. But are you kidding me? I am a woman and hence I know I am a complicated creature. Could anyone do that? I seriously doubt it. However, as I grow and mature with him, we get closer. I know that it will never be perfect in this life. Yet, it is as perfect as I could ever hope. And does it get any more perfect than to know he will gladly change a diaper, get up in the middle of the night so that I can sleep, or rescue me from a bad night when I am so sick I vomit all over myself? 

And is the crying and chaos of a house full of children worth it when I get unsolicited hugs, dandelion bouquets, and hand-crafted works of crayon art?

This is my life and my joys. I know it is not for everyone. But what I do know is that if I walk through this life looking for what will satisfy my needs and how I will be fulfilled and look at everything from my own perspective, I will always be sorely disappointed. Joy and success in life come from the things that we do for other people. This defines true success.

And Ms. Actress lady, when it is not all about you and your needs, but what you can do for someone else, especially with the people you are the closest with, you will NEVER fail.

No Tears in Heaven

A few days ago, I was listening to the radio and heard Eric Clapton's song "Tears in Heaven". The song starts...

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

The song really struck me and it took me back a couple of months ago when I had the privilege of going to the temple. It was a ward temple night, so there would be many people there from my neighborhood that I know.  As I walked into the dressing room to change into my beautiful white clothing I came upon a group of women. They all turned and looked my way. Each of them was dressed in white. They saw me. They recognized me. All four of them smiled at me, waved, beckoned me to come to them and visit.

I realized in that instant that heaven will be this way. Someday I will die and this mortal existence will come to an end. I will pass through the veil, that barrier that keeps us from remembering where we came from. But I will pass through that veil and enter into a space where there will be heavenly beings. And these heavenly beings will be the people that I know. I will walk toward them and they will turn and look at me. They will smile and beckon me to them. At that moment in the temple dressing room, this image was so clear to me. The Holy Ghost testified to me of this truth. I am an eternal being. This earth life is but a moment. Soon I will return back to the place from where I first came and I will not be alone.

This is truth.

So, I wanted to answer Eric Clapton and tell him with the deepest conviction of my soul that YES! When we die, we will go to a heavenly place. And the relationships that we have here on this earth can and will continue in the next life. My name will be known. Eric's name will be known. And the family that I have here on earth will be the same in heaven. It will be exactly the same...only better.  I feel that it will be even more familiar and real than I can even imagine.

I am so grateful for temples and that they dot the earth and that I can live in the shadow of one. The temple is a beautiful, holy, sacred, happy, joyous place. I hope that my children will come to know this and do all that they can to go there when they are ready. It is worth every sacrifice to make it so. When I go to the temple, I can see even more clearly what heaven is...and it is magnificent!

Preparing for the Weekend

Lyf was so kind to bring Linda and Margaret up here to our house from St. George. They are staying here this week while Rinar and I go out to North Carolina for my high school reunion. Amazingly enough, it has been 20 years since I graduated from high school. At least, it is amazing to me. And I am so grateful that Rinar's mom and aunt can be here to tend the kids while we are gone for a few days.

Rinar is out in California working again. He is pretty much in California every week, except when he isn't. But if you ever want to guess where he is, it would be safe to guess California. He did a seminar in Santa Barbara and was able to meet some amazing people: CEO's of super large corporations, people with a lot of  money.  It is hard to believe that a kid from a small town in Utah with no connections whatsoever now hobnobs with multimillionaires. I guess that when you work hard you never know where life will take you.

As for me, you will still see me at the thrift store!

I have no idea what this weekend will hold for me. I have a feeling that I probably will not know or remember very many people. But I feel like I should go, and am really looking forward to a few days away from the house. And Bojangles. I am definitely looking forward to Bojangles.

Explode

A few days ago I was driving up the street thinking to myself how I desperately need to find someone I can talk to about intellectual things. I feel intellectually starved right now in my life. Where do I go? Who do I talk to? I seriously have no one. As I was driving I was thinking how nice it would be to have some kind of group or person that I could just unleash myself on, and who could give it right back to me: challenge me, push me. I really have no where to go right now. 

As I homeschool my kids, I have been reawakening thoughts and intellectual yearnings that have been dormant in myself for a while. I teach my kids stuff, but they are just sponges and they really don't "get it" yet. And then as I talk to people in my life, everything just feels so superficial. It is merely surface stuff and I always feel a bit hollow and empty. 

I really have been feeling this way for quite sometime and on Saturday I just snapped. We were at dinner with one of Rinar's childhood friends and Mike, Catye, Leah, and Jamie were there also. We started talking and I was foolish enough to think that I could talk about "deep" things with Rinar's friend. As I started to really get my mind and heart going, I could hear everyone start to make fun of me. It is not the first time it has happened. No. It happens a lot to me. I just try to ignore it because I want to be myself. But I can't. I am made a butt of everyone's jokes.

Where do I go? What do I do? I feel like I want to explode.

Going Home

I can always tell when it is time to go home.  It basically comes down to how much clean underwear is available.  We are about down to the last pair for all the kids. Hence, tomorrow morning, we are hitting the road. It is time to go home. 

Today we went to church and then got around to doing something at about 3:30 pm. We started to just drive around and then I remembered the wetlands in Carlsbad called Baquititos. It was a trail that started close to the freeway. Holy cow, was it loud. The noise started to dissipate as we got along the trail, thank goodness. It was beautiful and there were lots of birds in the far distant waters. I just didn't care for the freeway. The kids enjoyed grabbing sticks and dragging them, racing each other, and trying to throw rocks into the water.

As the sun got lower, I knew we had to try to get to the beach in time to watch is set. Fortunately, the beach was only about 1 mile away.  We made it and it was wonderful. However, I forgot my good camera, so the only way to capture anything was on my little camera phone.

Rinar and I really did not want the kids to get wet. It quickly spirals out of control when a kid gets wet at the beach. And believe me, there were some close calls. But mostly, we got away pretty unscathed.

And now it is time to get back to life and the heartbeat of the every day. It is the place where the magic happens, the day-to-day things we do to help our kids grow and realize their full potential. Raef and Zach only have 6 years before they will be on their way to great things in this world. I don't have a lot of time left to help them with the day-to-day. Time is slipping away. I just hope that all of these little moments we have had and will have will be enough to get them on their way to an amazing life. 

I have been very blessed. I am so thankful that after years of sacrifice and hard work, Rinar and I have ended up where we have always wanted to be. We live in an absolutely beautiful little corner of the world. The more that I think about it, the more I realize that it is everything I could have hoped for my family. And with all of the traffic and chaos of Southern California, I know I have it good. I look forward to going back to my peaceful oasis in the city.

And this is my new mantra. I have been thinking about this quote a lot lately. I have come to the conclusion that if I want to be successful and accomplish the goals I have set for myself, I am going to have to start consistently waking up earlier every single day. This is hard for me. I have never been a morning person. In fact, I can be downright grumpy. I usually set my alarm for early and then when it comes time to wake up, I frequently talk myself out of it. But this is not going to work. I have known for a long time that I need to get up early in the morning. I have procrastinated making that change in myself for far too long. I am feeling the urgency of it now. But changing this will come down to choosing it daily, step by step.

Every single day I make decisions. And the little decisions add up to big things. And those things will determine my destiny.

I am going to start focusing on making better "small" decisions. It is going to start with waking up early. I know this is the key to great successes in my life. I know that if I lead, my children will follow. I have greatness within me. I feel it. I know that it is there. And the older I get, the more I realize that the greatness does come from consistently doing the small things, day after day after day. And when I mess up or get off track, I am going to forgive myself and start over and just keep going. And as many times as it takes until I become master of myself, I will do it.

But not until Tuesday. Tomorrow will be a long drive home.

A Chance to Smooth Out My Rough Spots

I have been blessed with a beautiful daughter, Julia. I love her so much. But I am realizing each day how different we are. Children come to this earth with a personality. The essence of who they are, who we are, never changes. I know this to be true. I was who I am before I was born, and so was Julia. And she has a strong personality. She is a darling girl, but she can be very stubborn and manipulative; the ultimate master of passive aggressive manipulation.

I had debated all week whether it would be worth it to send her to a dance camp at the local high school. She had expressed interest in going to "ballerina school". And I really wanted to support her in her interests. I have never been in the dance world, not even a little bit. But I figured it was only one day, it was for a fundraiser, and she would probably just love it. Hence, at the last minute I decided to take her to the camp.

It was great when we got there. She found her friend Sophie and they were having a great time flipping upside down on the dance bar.  This lasted for about ten minutes and then in an instant, all of a sudden Julia couldn't do it. She was begging and whining for me to help her. She did not have the ability to put her foot on the wall in order to flip upside down. She said her foot was too slippery. Then they started dividing up the little dancers into groups based on age.  I took her over to her group and she wouldn't let go of my leg or leave my side. She wouldn't even try to do anything they were doing. There were about 100 other little girls trying their best to do the warm-ups; everyone, except for my darling little daughter.

I started to get upset with her. I tried my best not to lose my cool, but I couldn't keep it in check. Then she mentioned that she was hungry. Okay, I thought. Maybe she just needed some food in her stomach and then she would be willing to do this whole dancing thing. We left the high school and I took her to 7-11. I let her pick out a donut and some chocolate milk. After consuming this delicious snack, we went back to find her group. The frown persisted. She wouldn't try. She said she didn't know how. She didn't know how to do a sassy walk or a jumping split. The nice teachers tried their best to engage her and get her to have fun and do it.

Nope.

Julia just continued to frown and absolutely refused to do anything.

I took her home.

But my stomach started broiling. I literally had an ulcer attack. I had to lay on the couch for about an hour, eat an entire bag of Combos, and chase it down with a handful of tums.  I was so stumped. It just really bothered me that my daughter would not even try.  I may stink at a lot of things (dancing would be at the very top of the list), but I would never NOT try.

She does this a lot. One minute she has climbed to the top of the pantry to reach a treat on the very back of the uppermost shelf and the next second she can't possibly hang up her coat on the bottom hook of her box in the laundry room. One minute she is jumping down 8 steps of the staircase to the landing below and the next second she can't walk up the stairs to put her doll away. It is just too hard.

I get so infuriated over it, and I really don't know why. She is just so different from me. I don't want our relationship to be a future cinematic feature. You know how it is. All of those relationship movies are usually about a mother and daughter, never about a father and son.  I don't want that kind of relationship with her. I have to figure out a way to relate to her, to understand her, and to parent her in a way that will help her grow. Getting mad or upset with her is only my form of manipulation, just like the frown and helpless act is hers.

At times she just baffles me.

I didn't mention the whole dancing thing to her to make her feel bad today. And in comparison to how I would have handled this ten years ago, I did pretty good. I have grown in outward appearances. But honestly, on the inside I am pretty much the same. The rotten thing about that is that she can probably sense that from me. That is never good.

Something really turned her entire attitude when we were at the camp.  Was it hunger? Was it the massive amounts of little girls? Maybe she is not good with crowds and chaos? Maybe she needs to be in a smaller group setting? Maybe dancing just isn't going to really be her thing?

I know I am not going to figure this out in one day. But I recognize that it is something I need to figure out.  I desire to have a rich and meaningful long-term relationship with her. I think that in order for me to accomplish that, a lot of the change is going to have to come from me. There is some rough part of me that needs to be polished. The good news is that she is only four.

I have time.

Show Up

Friday was a bit disappointing. I scheduled a basketball practice for my team and Raef and I were the only ones to show up. Frustrating.  No one came. I frantically made dinner but did't have enough time to eat it so that I could hurry to the gym where no one shows up.  Ugh.

After experiencing a gamut of emotions, I got contemplative after a while. And then a thought came to me.  If you want to be successful, show up.  There you go. That is it.  I really think this is a powerful tool in life. Just be there.  How do you get good grades in school? Show up. Do the work.  Accomplish big things like getting Eagle Scout? Show up to the meetings. Sound amazing in a church choir? Show up to practices.  The key to success in life. Be there. Be consistent. Be available. Follow through.

There is no magic and no exceptional skills or talent required.  It is the "little bits" of every day life. I remember day after day, 10-15 minutes of making my little boys practice the violin. It could be absolutely torturous at times. I doubted all the time. And it was painful, both mentally and audibly most times.  But day after day, we showed up and practiced. And practiced and practiced. My kids definitely are not any more talented than anyone else. But we showed up and did the work.

Alma taught, "...Now ye may suppose that this is foolishness in me; but behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise." Alma 37:6

It is amazing to me to think how the Lord works in small ways to bring about great miracles. He works on us a little everyday and then through a lifetime a miracle is made...us! Me! You! He takes me, a very flawed individual and helps me to smooth away all of the rough edges and allows me to shine and be something beautiful, created in His image. I couldn't do it on my own, but more importantly, I couldn't do it all in one day, or a week, or even a few years.  Through a lifetime of experience and just showing up every day, doing the best I can to keep the commandments and serve, He is molding me His.

It really never is anything big. Just like the Holy Ghost is a still, small voice. It is powerful and piercing. It changes me, protects me, guides me, but only meekly and peacefully. But it is there for me every day of my life. As long as I "show up", the Holy Ghost is my constant companion.

I hope that I can teach my children this concept, through my words, but more importantly because I live it myself.  My word is my bond.  I will show up every day. I am not going to "phone it in". I can be the best, just for the mere reason that I am here. I am always here for them and for the people in my sphere. I can magnify what I have been given by God to bless those around me, even if it doesn't seem that significant because it does matter. It matters to God.

"Be the Best of Whatever You Are"

If you can't be a pine on the top of the hill,
Be a scrub in the valley - but be
The best little scrub by the side of the rill;
Be a bush if you can't be a tree.

If you can't be a bush be a bit of the grass,
And some highway happier make;
If you can't be a muskie then just be a bass -
But the liveliest bass in the lake!

We can't all be captains, we've got to be crew,
There's something for all of us here,
There's big work to do, and there's lesser to do,
And the task you must do is the near.

If you can't be a highway then just be a trail,
If you can't be the sun be a star;
It isn't by size that you win or you fail -
Be the best of whatever you are!

-Douglas Malloch

Show up! And then do your best.

How to be Loved

On Sunday of last week my kids participated in the Primary program, probably the best Sunday of the year.  The kids take over Sacrament meeting and share what they have learned through song and testimony. This is the only year that all of my children will be in it together. Next year, Raef and Zach are off to Young Men's.  

The program was touching, spiritual, uplifting, and very profound.  I cannot believe how much of an impact it had on me.  It especially struck me even more after I was able to do a session at the temple a few days ago when we were in St. George for RJ's farewell.  RJ is going to serve in the Ft. Collins, Colorado mission and leaves next week.

Anyways, as I was listening to the Primary program, a little girl who was probably 6 or 7 had the line, "I love Jesus because..." and then she had to come up with her own thought.  She said, "I love Jesus because He loves me."

Profound.

Why do I love Jesus? Well, I love Him because He loves me.  How do I know that He loves me? He lived for me. He died for me. He showed me the way. He did it all for me and I know that even if I was the only person to ever walk this earth, He still would have died for me.  Why do I love Jesus? Why do I love anyone?  Well, really it is because they love me. I love people who show me love. I try to love people that don't show me love, but that is not very easy. But the people that I truly, deeply love and care for are the ones who love me.

What does this mean?  It means that I need to love my children, my husband, my family, my friends. I need to love them by doing things that show love.  It is not in the words I say, but in my actions. My actions show my love.  My kindness and care, my thoughtfulness and availability, my attention: these things show love. And when I do that, when I make love a verb and do my very best and try my best to be like the Master, then I will be loved in return with a profound and eternal lovel.

When I went to the temple, I could see this example clearly set by the Creator of us all. Even when we are recalcitrant, disobedient, unlovable, God sees us for who we really are. He looks on us with kind eyes and an understanding heart...even when we are at our very worst. He still loves us.  Oh, that I can be that way more with my children. I want to see my children the way that God sees me and just love them because they are. 

Then if someone ever asks one of them, "I love my Mom because...", they will be able to confidently fill in that blank and say, "I love my Mom because she loves me!"

They will never doubt the love that I have for them. It will only get bigger and stronger.

"There is no division nor subtraction in the heart-arithmetic of a good mother. There is only addition and multiplication."
-Bess Streeter Aldrich

From the mouth of babes, how grateful I am to be reminded of this simple, yet powerful truth. Love, and you will be loved in return.

I Abhor Helicopter Moms

Every once in a while the public playground becomes a very unpleasant place for me. And no, it is not because one of my kids is acting up or being naughty, whiny, or generally obnoxious.

Nope, I am talking about the dreaded helicopter mom.  Especially when her looming, torrential back wind gets into my air space.  But needless to say, when there is a helicopter mom in the vicinity, you will surely get sucked in and then it just totally sucks.

Today was a helicopter day at McDonald's. After a lovely morning of watching a movie with some neighborhood friends, we decided to grab some lunch next door.  I was looking forward to this. A nice lunch, getting to know my new friend Katie, while our kids happily played.

It didn't last.  Helicopter grandma was hovering.

At first she came over to report that Katie's son Landon hit his head. It was an accident, thank goodness! But she kept going on and on and on, relaying every frickin' minute detail about how he hit his head. You would have thought that Landon had suffered a level 3 brain concussion and needed a medi-vac. Jeez, lady. Give it a rest. Landon was sitting there, as calm a palm tree on a tropical beach, listening to this lady rant (albeit nicely) about his poor little head.  He was looking at her like she was looney, but whatever.  Finally, the grandma-copter left. I should have just left then. I should have known what was coming.

But sure enough, about 15 minutes later she was back asking whose kid was wearing the blue shirt. Of course, it was mine.  Raef had done something to her precious grandkid and she was going to let me have it, to make sure I would parent him correctly.  Raef is pretty darn tall, Raef is clumsy, but he has the sweetest disposition and wouldn't hurt a fly. You should see the way he coddles Noelle.  A gentle giant.

First grandma-copter informs me that the playground is for kids under 12.  I tell her that he is 11!  Then she said he was being mean because he scared her grandson.  Oh, boo hoo. Poor little thing.  CALL THE POH-LICE! So grandma-copter, you mean to tell me that he was acting like an 11 year-old?!?! For shame. How dare he. The nerve of that kid. And there was a possibility that Raef had bumped him.

Oh golly.

I started packing up our stuff to leave.  And then I could just feel it all welling up inside of me. I wasn't going to take it anymore.  I told her that things happen.  {gasp!}  Kids get hurt. {gasp} Maybe she needs to relax a bit. {gasp} 

Her response was that she has 10 kids.  I said I had six.  But apparently I am not allowed to have an opinion or any input because I don't have 10 kids.  I guess you need 10 to be an expert and get up in everyone else's face and parse out unsolicited parenting advice.

Now that I have had time to think about why the helicopter mom ruins my park day I think I have had some insight.  

They bother me because they expect everything to be perfect. They expect all kids to robotic, perfect little specimens.  They hover over their own children and in the mean time reek a line of destruction for all the other imperfect children at the playground. And then they come at you like hell fire and damnation when you aren't expecting the same things out of your own kids.

Well, I think it is crap. I want my kid to climb UP the slide.  They learn to think out of the box. I want them to get owies and boo boos. They learn to overcome adversity and to be forgiving. I want them to learn how to play with others on their own without me smoothing the waters for them. They learn how to live in this world as a grown person. I want them to live their own lives and find out who they are.  I cannot do that for them and I refuse to, anyways.

How can they learn anything if I am constantly hovering, telling them what to do every single step of the way?

Helicopter moms want their kids to behave perfectly, don't want their kids to ever feel any pain, and they want to make sure all the other moms at the park see that they are great moms.

Get over yourselves! Sit your butt down on a bench, open up a book, and mind your own freakin' business. Let junior live a little. Make sure he doesn't run into the street. Make sure he doesn't get kidnapped. And then shut your mouth and let the kids play.

Set the helicopter down for an hour or two. I am getting tired of the wind.

My Stomach Hates Me

September is one day away.  Can I tell you how much I just love September?  It is the beginning of fall, football season, back-to-school, cooler air, and beautiful colors.  But the best part is that it is my last month to be pregnant.

Can I get a hallelujah?

I am going to be scheduling my delivery, via c-section, on September 30.  The c-section is really not an option since I have had 3 already.  I am dreading it, but I am just going to make the best of it and hope that it goes okay.

I wouldn't say that this pregnancy has been any harder physically than my other three. But it has been difficult mentally.  I have so many things I want to do and had planned on doing this year and I had to hit the pause button.  2013 is not my year. It will have to wait until 2014 or even '15.  

Ever since my first pregnancy I have had a really tough time with my stomach. I get terrible ulcer attacks, pregnant or not.  I even had everything tested at the beginning of the year and the results were inconclusive.  When I found out I was pregnant this time, I think it was my biggest concern.  This would be the end of my stomach. It would officially disintegrate. I still have a stomach and it is still functioning but I really think that it hates me.

Last night was definitely my worst night of pregnancy.  I went to sleep just fine, but woke up at about 1:00 a.m. because I could feel the volcano was about to erupt.  I went to the bathroom and then started coughing and then it could not been contained. I had completely lost control of my body. It was pretty horrible and very painful. The acidic content was exceptionally high. I am grateful that my husband was there to help me and that I could take a warm shower to calm myself down.

So, today I think I have been more depressed than anything. I have been a potted plant dwelling in the bowels of my house.  I just want today to be over with, and the next thirty as well.

I have to remind myself that this whole ordeal will be over soon. Life will move on. Children will grow. I will reemerge like a phoenix from the ashes. Tick tock, tick tock.

Standing Alone

Not too many years ago, the thought of gay marriage being legal would have been preposterous.  It was absolutely ridiculous to think that it could be a legally accepted practice, and yet so quickly, here we are.  This has really got me thinking and my mind has been churning. It does that a lot when things bother me, so I am just going to put it all down right here.

How did we get here so quickly?

Starting with the Baby Boomer generation, there has been a huge increase in divorce rates. Divorce has become the accepted norm. People don't have the staying power to just stick it out, make the best of it. Our society has become so enamored with feelings (which are so temporary), that those feelings rule the most important decisions of life.  "I just don't love him anymore." "Irreconcilable differences." "We grew apart." etc. etc. All these things are based on feelings.  The old attitude of sticking it out come hell or high water has vanished. So people take the path of least resistance.  And society suffers. Marriage has suffered.

Then marriage is degraded even more by spineless, haughty, egotistical Hollywood types who consistently say, "I don't need a piece of paper to tell me that I love someone."  And once again, marriage is degraded and debased to a worthless piece of paper.

Marriage has become so casual that it is like a masquerade ball, 'in' one season and then 'out' the next.  People wait to get married until they can spend a hideous amount of money on an elaborate celebration, high on form, but devoid of substance. Or they don't want to be inconvenienced at all, and don't get married at all. Just pretend marriage, but always with one foot out of the door.

And those elaborate, debt-inducing ceremonies end up in a divorce court only a few months or years later.

Or people are always looking for the bigger, better thing and make a mockery of marriage by jumping into and out of relationships at a sickening pace.  

Me, me, me, me.

Couple this with the massive amounts of empty pews. Everywhere across this country, empty, empty, empty. "I don't need a church to tell me how to be a good person." "I am spiritual, not religious."

I don't care what church...people just don't go. They worship at the alter of the New York Jets or Masters Golf Tournament or the Lake of Powell.  But not in a holy, sacred place where they used to learn to put off the natural man and follow Christ.

And so our society has so quickly lost its moorings. The foundation is cracked and quickly crumbling.

I have wracked my brain and tortured myself trying to contrive a logical, intelligent way of explaining why gay marriage is fundamentally wrong without linking it to my religious beliefs. Guess what? I have got nothing.  How can I come up with a cohesive argument with someone who worships at the altar of leisure and lasciviousness? Because it all goes back to what I know in my heart and what I believe because of the scriptures that I read. I can't prove it. I can't argue it away. And to believe in scripture, to believe in a God on high requires faith, endurance, patience, humility.

It is clear that the foundation of our society has been under a vicious assault over these past decades. Family is the foundation of society and strong societies are built upon strong families, and by this may I boldly declare a family as a married mother and father and the children of that marriage. Yes, I know there are other kinds of families, I get that. But what it all boils down to is that. Exactly that. It works. It is the ideal and what we should all strive to achieve. Anything else that tries to imitate and destroy that sacred structure is a lie.

I believe lesbian activist Marsha Gessen who lectured that gay marriage was a lie. The real intent is to destroy marriage. Oprah even preached on her show that she believes society has evolved past marriage.

I may feel like I stand alone here, but I am still going to stand and say unequivocally that gay marriage is wrong. I don't care how many pretty ribbons and trimmings you put on it, the package is stinky and an abomination. It is wrong.

I am not going to take the path of least resistance like these people here.



I want to be that guy with his arms folded. Right is ALWAYS right, even if you stand alone. I don't make my decision based on feelings or being one of the crowd. I know it is not popular. 

Now, in one fell swoop, I am considered a bigot, a homophobe, whatever.  It doesn't matter. I know who I am and what my relationship is to the people in my life and to my Father in Heaven. My record, my actions speak for themselves.

I take great comfort in this scripture..."Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life." -2 Nephi 31: 20

I must continue to have a perfect brightness of hope, and love God and ALL men. I will try my best to love everyone. 

Regardless, when it comes to gay marriage, I fold my arms boldly across my chest and I stand alone.

Back to Nature

First of all, I am doing well with this pregnancy. I feel pretty good and have a fair amount of energy...at least enough to get stuff done.  Heartburn is always a problem, but I am dealing with it the best I can. Since my laptop blew up, I have been a bit lax getting blogs written.  It just takes more effort to walk myself down to the basement and sit in front of the desktop. Laptops are so much easier. It accommodates my laziness.

Since we have moved into this house we have made a concerted effort to walk more.  Many things are much closer. The main thing is church.  It only takes us 10 minutes to walk there with little legs.  For the first couple of weeks, there was a lot of complaining and the wah-mbulance almost had to be called a few times. But the kids are now used to it. I just wanted to say that walking has been such a blessing. Continuing with my thoughts from the previous blog, I am becoming  more acutely aware of connectedness.  The cyber world makes it easier to stay in touch with people, but we become more emotionally disconnected.  It really is not much different with the car, if you really think about it.

I have realized how disconnected I have been from nature.  It didn't help that I spent seven years of my life living on Mars, I mean Las Vegas.  But still, I have found myself being very lazy when it comes to the car.  I think I use it way too much for our family. My new attitude is...Why drive somewhere when we can walk?  We walk to church and I make my kids walk to Boy Scouts at the church building also.  We also have a park around the corner and we definitely walk there. I have been walking to people's houses whenever possible, as well.  But it has been such a blessing.

I do feel more connected to nature.  We are all going slower and therefore have time to notice stuff.  I can hear the birds singing and see strange things, like a little fluffy white dog chasing a car down the road, or stop and say hello to the horses who live in a field by our house. We wave to a lot more people when we walk and Rinar loves that.  There is a lot going on for that stretch of road and if I was driving, I would miss it.

Just this last Sunday, I was walking with Harry and he was asking me lots of great questions.  We stopped multiple times to look at ant hills and strange insects and foliage in the trees.  I told him the names of the plants that I knew and held his hand and talked to him, just the two of us, with no interruptions. I have also enjoyed watching my kids and how their confidence grows each week as we make the trek to church and home again.

And it seriously cracks me up to see someone pull into their driveway from church, a mere five houses from the building. They are really missing out.

But even without the walking, my kids have been enjoying nature in other simple ways. They have become fascinated with snails and spend hours digging them up and playing with them.  Harry and Julia love finding insects, and especially Roley Polies.  Harry calls them "Holy Holies" and Julia calls them "Roley Holies". They will also enthusiastically report on any bumblebee sightings. It is simple things that they are seeing and experiencing, but the moments are priceless. I cherish them.

And I cherish every walk we take. They grow stronger and smarter. Nature is a blessing and I am so glad I can be back in it.

No More Friends

I finally did it. I took the bold step that I have known was coming for a while.  I have no friends.  Well, no Facebook friends. I got rid of everybody. I sent everyone a message with all of my contact information. I still have an account where you can message me and find me. But I have no friends.

Why?  Why this drastic step?

Do you ever feel like your life is headed in the wrong direction and a course correction is necessary, no matter how painful? That is where I am right now. I have come to some realizations in the last little while, but I have lacked the courage to follow through.

My first realization is that I need to live life.  I have been sitting here for a while watching life pass me by. I have been a passive observer, instead of an active participant.  This idea really came into focus last year when I attended a book club, where the book was called "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years".  It was a memoir that basically said what I just did.  The author was a spectator of life and decided to do something about it.  I had felt this in my heart for a long time, but it was solidified in the pages of this book. I knew it was true. I knew I was guilty.  Life is passing me by way more than I would ever want it to.  I want to live life and have awesome experiences.  I know it will benefit my children and family, but I am not planning on doing it for them. I am going to do it for me.  They will see my good example, and that will be a positive consequence, but it is not my motivation. My motivation is purely selfish. I only have one life. I need to live it and be a part of it.

Does this mean that I will be hiking the Inca Trail to the pinnacle of Machu Picchu? Probably not.  But can I hike the endless trails of the Wasatch front, listen to the birds sing, learn the names of the trees and plants, rediscover the wonder of bugs and snakes, and drink in the beauty of God's creations? Yes, I can. I can do that every single day. I can get on the ground and play with my kids, read more books that will take me to magical places and expand my mind to ideas I have never considered. I can step out of my front door and stop by to see a neighbor, call an old friend, write a letter.  I can make a real, tangible social network in my life, based on real relationships that take work and thought.  I have been so lazy and passive. 

This gets into my second reason for unplugging.  I have realized that the more "connected" I am in cyber-space, the more disconnected I really am to people in my life. A high "friend total" does not measure my worth or popularity in life. My real friends, the ones I really care about, and who really care about me will be in my life. If my relationship with someone was never strong to begin with, then they will go their way and I will go mine.  It is not like Facebook was really strengthening anything to begin with. I can't be best friends with everyone and I can't stay in everyone's business. It is cluttering my mind. I am here. If you need me, you can find me. But I am going to start really focusing on what is in front of me...the people who are in my path now. I don't know what relationships will endure, but the ones that do will be based on concrete things. This is going to require effort on my part and I will put the effort in where I feel that I should. And for all my friends, I will just have a whole lot more Christmas cards to start sending out every year.

There is one thing I know about myself. I have an addictive personality. I grew up in a house of TV addicts. Hence, I am most definitely a TV addict. This is the next step in my life. I just really need to unplug everything. I have done that before with TV and it really does make a difference. But just like TV, Facebook and things of that nature fill the void.  I make no plans, I set no goals, and then I feel deprived and need to fill it in with something and TV/Facebook do the trick. It is unfulfilling and depressing and I just need to cut the cord.

My kids are really starting to do stuff, cool stuff. I want to lead the way. I want to be right there with them.

Now that I am unshackling myself from all of this nonsense, I am going to live life from the driver's seat, unfettered and unafraid. That is, once I go through my withdrawal phase. It could take a while.

Don't Leave It Unsaid

Pregnancy is an emotional safari. The process takes a long time and you make many discoveries along the way. For my first pregnancy, I remember coming home from work and watching an episode of "E.R." and it really scared me. Nurse Hathaway was pregnant with twins (like me) and it just happened to be the show where she gave birth.  The first one came out just fine, but then everything fell apart and she had to get a c-section.  It was all too real for me and I really didn't want that sort of thing happening to me.

Luckily it didn't, but when you are going through the same life experience as a fictional character on a popular television show it can become very real.

Fast forward to today.  I was reading the local news on my little iPhone, and saw a tragic story that happened today in Orem. A mother of six died in childbirth. This was the headline today. Whoa. Katrina Lawrence, a real mom, gave birth to her sixth child and then died. Does this even happen anymore?

Heartbreaking. So heartbreaking for her six beautiful children, left here without a mother. Yes, she is the same age as me and her kids are just about the same age as mine. It just makes me weep.

I know that I have a Father in Heaven and that He has a plan for me and for her. But at this point in my life, it would just tear me to pieces to know that I would have to leave my kids. I love them so much. And just so that nothing is ever left unsaid to my little brood, I thought I could just take a minute to write down my feelings about them. Some day they will see it, even if it is when they are old and gray and are pouring through Mom's old papers and reminiscing after I am long gone. 

I just want them to know without a doubt...

Raef, you are the most darling, adorable, lovable, kind-hearted spirit I have ever known. You are so thoughtful and smart and dedicated and caring, not to mention incredibly handsome. You are careful to include everyone in your circle. You are a true friend, and especially to me. Thank you for all of the love notes you leave on my pillow, the many laughs we have shared, and for your helpfulness. Our family could have never had a better oldest brother than you. You are going to make this world a better place and I can't wait to see it happen. (p.s. Don't tell the other ones that you are my favorite.)

Zach, oh Zach.  Boy, you can drive me crazy, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you so much for your off-the-wall comments, facts, soliloquies, questions. I would have a completely and utterly boring life if I didn't have you in it. I love you so much. You are so smart, kind, determined, focused, funny (yes, your jokes really are funny), stalwart, brave, and amazing.  I marvel at you and what you can do. You have an amazing mind and an honest heart. I can't wait to see what you do when you are an adult. I don't think the world is going to know what hit them.  And try to keep this to yourself, but you are definitely my very favorite kid.

Eli, you are my beautiful little boy with the stormy blue-green eyes and big eyelashes.  Man, do I love you. I love to kiss your squishy cheeks and rub your belly. Thanks for letting me, even though I know it probably annoys you. You are a pleasure and a joy, so easy-going (except when you're not sometimes) and full of love. You have a tender heart and a gallant spirit. Your personality is just starting to emerge and you are a force to be reckoned with. You are so quiet and then a tidal wave of words and when you put your mind to something, there is nothing that will hold you back. You are smart and fearless and you constantly amaze me with the things that you can do. Thank you for your hugs and kisses and apologies. And you know that you will always be my favorite, but make sure not to tell your siblings.

Harry, I always worried that you would be forgotten in our family because you are the number four boy and your twin is a girl. But what was I worried about, really?  You are not someone who will be ignored. You have a voice and you know how to use it. Don't ever forget that! What a gift that is. I call you Happy Harry because you always have a smile on your face, except when you are crying, of course. And even if you don't smile, your eyes always do.  You give the best kisses and cuddles. You really are my boyfriend and every Mommy needs one of those. You are a hard-worker and a diligent helper. You are dedicated and very determined and your heart is full of so much love. My love for you is eternal, my little Harry Bobbers and you are definitely my favorite. Shhh...it's a secret.

Julia, my only daughter. I always wanted a daughter and look how blessed I am! You are so beautiful, girly, and tough all at the same time. You are a bit mischievous and love to get into my make-up, especially the lipstick or walk around in my shoes. You have a wicked imagination...the world is yours. Heavenly Father made you perfectly. You love to twirl and will pretty much only wear dresses, especially the twirly kind. Pink is a given, of course. You have a heart full of love and you leave a path of joy wherever you go. I love you so much, little girl. I enjoy all those moments with you and look forward to your path toward womanhood. You make this world a more beautiful place and this world needs more beauty and of course, you are my favorite.

Hand-written Cards are the Best

Dear Auntie Norma,

Thank you so much for you sweet card we got in the mail a couple of days ago. It was such a nice surprise. We are grateful that you are a part of our family, but more importantly, that we can call you "friend".  There is something about you and all of your siblings that is very special.  All of you are a paragon of thoughtfulness, a gift that I hope to develop as I grow older. There have been  many times that we have received surprise letters from you, or Margaret, or especially from Grandma.

Now that we don't live in the boonies anymore, I hope we will be able to have you drop by occasionally. Draper is in the Salt Lake valley, so we are right in the thick of it again. And it is always so nice to get an infusion of much needed Aloha Spirit!

So from Rinar, Kelly, Raef, Zach, Eli, Harry, Julia, and surprise baby #6, we are sending you a big mahalo! Lots of loves and kisses from the mainland.

Sincerely,
Your very favorite niece in the whole wide world!!

p.s. We are very glad to hear that all of you are doing well and wish you the very best.

My Life This Week

It is amazing what happens when you eat a whole bunch of vegetables. Surprisingly enough, I have a lot more energy today. Life has been moving along for our family. I haven't really felt that inspired to blog, but I figure I can just start writing something and then maybe the creative juices will start flowing again.

It is intimidating to move into a new house, especially one with vast and empty wall space.  Where do I hang the pictures? I don't feel like my life is complete until the pictures are hung, but it feels like such a commitment to decide where to put them.  Like the unraveling of a scroll, I am starting to find a place for everything. I just have to keep reminding myself that nothing is permanent. If I don't like it, I can always put it somewhere else.

I am trying to get all of my children involved in learning and some kind of school. They are all getting old enough to do something now. This week, we started some preschool stuff and Eli, Harry, and Julia seemed to enjoy it. Naturally, we had to start with the letter A.

I found a few things online and we did those activities. We made a silly letter A lady and sang some songs and did rhymes. I also checked out "The Letter Factory" from the library. Julia really liked to watch it, Harry was somewhat interested, and Eli really didn't care for it.  I think it is a little below where he is right now.  But I did push on with reading lessons for him.  He is pretty bright, but does have reading tendencies like Raef. I hope that I will be able to deal with that better this time around. I guess I will find out really soon.

I am going to be getting two new callings in church: Primary pianist and Webelos leader.  Piano will be fun and I am grateful for the chance to really develop that skill to another level.  As for Webelos, I thought I was done with Cub Scouts for a while, but I guess I will get to enjoy it from another angle this time around.

My pregnancy is going well, as far as I can tell. I feel good and have lots of energy.  I am trying to remain positive about everything and I do feel that my attitude is changing a bit. I do have a lot of anxiety about the impending c-section, but I guess I am just going to not think about it. It is completely out of my control and I will just have to put my trust in the Lord, and the doctors.

Rinar headed out to St. George today with Raef and Julia. He is competing in the St. George Half Ironman. I hope he survives, as he has not had the luxury of being able to train very much, with all of the craziness we have experienced over the past few months.  But he seems confident that he will manage it just fine, so I can only hope for the best. It will be nice to have a few days with fewer kids. It will be a nice break.