Don't Leave It Unsaid

Pregnancy is an emotional safari. The process takes a long time and you make many discoveries along the way. For my first pregnancy, I remember coming home from work and watching an episode of "E.R." and it really scared me. Nurse Hathaway was pregnant with twins (like me) and it just happened to be the show where she gave birth.  The first one came out just fine, but then everything fell apart and she had to get a c-section.  It was all too real for me and I really didn't want that sort of thing happening to me.

Luckily it didn't, but when you are going through the same life experience as a fictional character on a popular television show it can become very real.

Fast forward to today.  I was reading the local news on my little iPhone, and saw a tragic story that happened today in Orem. A mother of six died in childbirth. This was the headline today. Whoa. Katrina Lawrence, a real mom, gave birth to her sixth child and then died. Does this even happen anymore?

Heartbreaking. So heartbreaking for her six beautiful children, left here without a mother. Yes, she is the same age as me and her kids are just about the same age as mine. It just makes me weep.

I know that I have a Father in Heaven and that He has a plan for me and for her. But at this point in my life, it would just tear me to pieces to know that I would have to leave my kids. I love them so much. And just so that nothing is ever left unsaid to my little brood, I thought I could just take a minute to write down my feelings about them. Some day they will see it, even if it is when they are old and gray and are pouring through Mom's old papers and reminiscing after I am long gone. 

I just want them to know without a doubt...

Raef, you are the most darling, adorable, lovable, kind-hearted spirit I have ever known. You are so thoughtful and smart and dedicated and caring, not to mention incredibly handsome. You are careful to include everyone in your circle. You are a true friend, and especially to me. Thank you for all of the love notes you leave on my pillow, the many laughs we have shared, and for your helpfulness. Our family could have never had a better oldest brother than you. You are going to make this world a better place and I can't wait to see it happen. (p.s. Don't tell the other ones that you are my favorite.)

Zach, oh Zach.  Boy, you can drive me crazy, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you so much for your off-the-wall comments, facts, soliloquies, questions. I would have a completely and utterly boring life if I didn't have you in it. I love you so much. You are so smart, kind, determined, focused, funny (yes, your jokes really are funny), stalwart, brave, and amazing.  I marvel at you and what you can do. You have an amazing mind and an honest heart. I can't wait to see what you do when you are an adult. I don't think the world is going to know what hit them.  And try to keep this to yourself, but you are definitely my very favorite kid.

Eli, you are my beautiful little boy with the stormy blue-green eyes and big eyelashes.  Man, do I love you. I love to kiss your squishy cheeks and rub your belly. Thanks for letting me, even though I know it probably annoys you. You are a pleasure and a joy, so easy-going (except when you're not sometimes) and full of love. You have a tender heart and a gallant spirit. Your personality is just starting to emerge and you are a force to be reckoned with. You are so quiet and then a tidal wave of words and when you put your mind to something, there is nothing that will hold you back. You are smart and fearless and you constantly amaze me with the things that you can do. Thank you for your hugs and kisses and apologies. And you know that you will always be my favorite, but make sure not to tell your siblings.

Harry, I always worried that you would be forgotten in our family because you are the number four boy and your twin is a girl. But what was I worried about, really?  You are not someone who will be ignored. You have a voice and you know how to use it. Don't ever forget that! What a gift that is. I call you Happy Harry because you always have a smile on your face, except when you are crying, of course. And even if you don't smile, your eyes always do.  You give the best kisses and cuddles. You really are my boyfriend and every Mommy needs one of those. You are a hard-worker and a diligent helper. You are dedicated and very determined and your heart is full of so much love. My love for you is eternal, my little Harry Bobbers and you are definitely my favorite. Shhh...it's a secret.

Julia, my only daughter. I always wanted a daughter and look how blessed I am! You are so beautiful, girly, and tough all at the same time. You are a bit mischievous and love to get into my make-up, especially the lipstick or walk around in my shoes. You have a wicked imagination...the world is yours. Heavenly Father made you perfectly. You love to twirl and will pretty much only wear dresses, especially the twirly kind. Pink is a given, of course. You have a heart full of love and you leave a path of joy wherever you go. I love you so much, little girl. I enjoy all those moments with you and look forward to your path toward womanhood. You make this world a more beautiful place and this world needs more beauty and of course, you are my favorite.

Five Is Very Real Now

This has been a nice week for me. Rinar's mom came and stayed while Rinar took a business trip to Boston. It was great. She cooked and cleaned and helped me out a lot. It was fun to hang out with her and get to know her better. Grandma also had fun playing games with Raef and Zach and also accompanying them on the piano when they practiced the violin. I was able to enjoy this week without the stress. But now it is time for my reality check...tomorrow is my first real day as a mother of FIVE children.

Holy cow, I can't believe I have 5 kids. At the beginning of last year I had 2 kids and one on the way. Now I have five. This just goes to show you that things can change quickly. It becomes very real when I load up my car and all of the seats are taken. This mothering thing is for real now. There is no turning back.

I am very blessed that Raef and Zach are such a big help for me. For example, a few days ago I asked them if one of them would like to give Eli a bath. Zach exuberantly volunteered. He took him up there and was gone for at least 30 minutes. I have not taught Zach how to put a diaper on a baby, and especially a 20 month-old baby. But sure enough, Zach and Eli came downstairs and Eli was fully dressed, diaper and all. I was amazed at what Zach did all by himself. He was beaming with pride. Then after a few minutes I looked closer at how Zach had dressed Eli. He had put both of Eli's legs in one of the shorts sides. Hence two legs in one hole. It was hilarious. Eli looked like he was wearing a mini-skirt. I was laughing hysterically. Plus, the diaper was loosely wrapped around his belly so when he would squat down, you could see major butt-crackage. I was loving it.

You see...my oldest boys are very helpful. I am very blessed.

I also caught Eli giving Harry a couple of kisses. He decided to do this all on his own. Isn't it so precious?

Rinar's birthday was yesterday so he treated himself and all of us to some Krispie Kreme donuts. All of the kids walked through the door with hats on their heads. Eli kept his on the longest.

I went to church today and so it was the babies first day of church also. Julia was all decked out in her cute stuff from Corinne, the baby-bling specialist. Corinne makes head bands and removable flowers for the head bands. In addition, she made me a binkie holder that says "Julia" on it. The binkie is also specialized with her name on it as well. The original headband had a hot pink bow to go with it but it was so huge for her little head that I switched it out for the smaller red flower. The proportions were a lot more manageable.

She is just so little that the dress kind of swallows her up a bit. But she really looked adorable in this outfit.

The Joy is in the Journey Journey

This last week has been eventful, to say the least. After the "thrill" is gone, it is all starting to sink in...and I am scared to death!

Oh, let me catch you up, if you haven't heard the news.

I am pregnant...with TWINS!

This is not a typo. For those of you who do not know my family very well, I already have twins. They are seven.

After seven years, you forget a lot of the bad stuff and only harbor a place in your heart for the wonderful things two bring you. However, since I found out last Tuesday that I am having twins, again, many things have started to come back. These are the things you try hard to forget about.

Let me take you back: on Tuesday I went to the Fertility Center of Las Vegas for my ultrasound to see if the "glue" they used was any good. They must have used the good glue, because both embryos implanted. I was laying on the table and she turned the screen my way and it was very obvious. My mouth was doing an involuntary grin, but I felt like I wanted to throw-up and it was not from morning sickness, I can assure you.

Rinar is absolutely thrilled. He was in Albuquerque and so I called him as soon as I could. Then we decided to tell the kids. They jumped up and down with joy. It lasted for about 1.5 seconds and then Raef asked me if he could play a computer game. As you can see, they have really taken this to heart.

We decided there was no way we could keep this a secret because too many people knew too much to begin with. Also, it probably doesn't help that I wrote a lengthy blog on the whole IVF ordeal. So, I guess secrecy was out of the question. It all started to unravel like an onion anyways.

Now that everyone knows and reality is starting to hit me like an anvil hurled down from Mount Olympus, I have been thinking of the many obstacles I will be facing really soon.

First of all, I feel great and the pregnancy seems to be going well. However, when I was pregnant the first time, I went into pre-term labor at 28 weeks. It was a little scary (although I was too dumb to realize how precarious it really was) and I was put on strict bedrest. It was probably because I was dilated to a 2 and 80% effaced. I had to have a muscle relaxer constantly pumped into my body through a catheter in my leg and it required twice daily contraction monitoring and a whole lot of doctor's visits. Suffice it to say, I don't have time to be on bed rest this time around.

What am I going to do?

I am not worried about Raef and Zach. They can do most everything on their own, including making breakfast and lunch. If I really work with them in the next few months, I am sure I can teach them how to make a few dinner meals as well, like macaroni and cheese. Hey, you have to learn it some time, so why not now?

The wild card in all of this is Eli. He is a baby. When I am due, he will only be about 20 months old. He needs a lot of attention and love. I need to pick him up and take care of him. He can easily get sick or hurt. How am I going to do it? Plus, Rinar is out-of-town several days a week and so I am really on my own.

Which brings me to another point: three small children to take care of by myself. I remember waking up in the middle of the night because one of the twins was crying. I would pick him up and take care of him and not even have a clue who I was holding. This happened to me many times. However, I could take turns with my wonderful husband. This time around I will have to do the brunt of the work. Rinar also changed an incredible amount of diapers with Raef and Zach. I have changed the majority of diapers with Eli because it has just worked out that way. Now I get to triple the amount. It is going to be an incredible amount of work. There were also a million doctor's appointments that first year because they were premies. I just hope I can make it further along so that these babies will be healthier from the get go. If not, it is going to be even tougher.

These are just a few of the things I have thought of these last few days. However, there is one thing that has continued to dwell in my thoughts. I must not be ruled by my fears, but by faith. As the fear started to set in, I prayed fervently to my Heavenly Father. Then I opened the scriptures and ended up reading this verse in the Book of Mormon:

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." -Mosiah 4:9

Wow. It really hit me. Do I believe in God? YES! Do I believe that he created everything, including me? YES! I know that I cannot comprehend all that He comprehends...not now, not for a very long time. However these are the things that I know...

God has worked many miracles in my life. When they were happening, I could not see them. I did not comprehend why things happened the way that they happened. But in retrospect, there is absolutely no doubt that He had a hand in all of it. My timing is not the Lord's timing and things happen for a very specific reason. For some inexplicable reason, my Father in Heaven has led me most assuredly to this place. I have complete faith in that. I must be ruled by my faith in Christ.

It is no coincidence that the Proclamation that has been hanging in my bathroom has haunted me with the scripture, "Children are an heritage of the Lord" and that we are supposed to have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. I have no desire to populate the earth by myself, for heaven's sake, but I know that I have a very specific role I need to play in bringing children to this earth, to a happy and loving home. Motherhood is not a complete definition of who I am, but it is a vital part of me. Yes, I have many interests that are my own and goals that I would yet like to achieve that have nothing to do with kids, but this is the time to have my family. I will rejoice in my posterity; just please ignore the yelling you hear occasionally emanating from the walls of my house, okay?

So, the reality is that I am having twins. I am going to say it now and then try to forget about it for the next little while. I have a lot I need to do for myself and for the children that are running around as we speak. I know that there are some really tough times ahead, but it will be an incredible blessing to hold those babies in my arms and love them with everything that I have.

The joy is in the journey.