Okay, so this has been bothering me for a while and I can't hold it in anymore. Fortunately, I have my blog to let it spew. And it's NOT about politics, okay?
I read a book about a month ago titled, "How To Be Interesting (In 10 Simple Steps)" by Jessica Hagy. I saw it at a gift store in Philly and decided to buy a copy on Amazon. It is a pearl of a book. I love it. It is mostly drawings: charts and Venn diagrams. Profound would be my one word to describe it. I wanted to share it with friends and neighbors and have a little book club to discuss it and then maybe try things together as a group... see where the road takes us. I guess the problem is that there is no us. It is just me, pretty much.
One of her pie charts shows that the majority of success comes from just showing up. A very small slice can be attributed to other things, but just showing up is huge. I am tired of being disappointed in people. It happens too frequently. It makes me ill. It makes me feel sad and awkward and stupid. I plan something and then no one comes. No one. Okay, that is probably an exaggeration, but it is pretty darn close to the truth. Hence, the things that I really care about and desperately want to do, I don't dare, for fear of disappointment. I know this is a terrible way of thinking and actually goes against everything in the book, but it is what I am struggling with right now.
I would love to have a book club, or some kind of group that does things together. I don't care who. Anyone, and I mean anyone, could come. I have all of these big ideas and I try to implement things and it just fizzles so quick. I am a person that needs intellectual stimulation and camaraderie.
Last summer, someone in the ward planned a camping trip. We left early, had lots of fun, and planned on meeting up with everyone a few days later. All four families canceled on us. Every. Single. One.
At Christmas time I really wanted to have an ugly Christmas sweater party. I tried really hard to make it happen and in the end four people came. Two of the four were Leah and Jamie who already lived at my house. Does that even count?
I wanted to play ultimate frisbee with people in our neighborhood and ward and was able to get one other family to come. Sigh. People told me it was a great idea and that they would come, but of course, did not.
And then there are the people at church that I would really like to make a connection with, considering the fact that our kids are the same age and we will probably be with each other for decades. It would be nice to make some friends. Unfortunately, there is always an excuse, a let down, a disappointment. Or it is very one-sided. I will babysit their kids for hours on end and can't get them to help me with a very simple favor because they are just too busy. It is not that I expect anything but it is hard to get rejected on the one hand and then see them living it up with friends on social media, repeatedly, doing things that I am not invited to do.
It is hard to not feel a bit discouraged. I do. I am not going to lie. I realize that this is probably very skewed and that I am being a bit emotional about it. I most assuredly am seeing this from a distorted point of view, but it is just how I feel now. I know the feelings will pass and I will overcome. But for the moment, I am kind of feeling sorry for myself.
I would like to throw a summer party for my kids and invite the neighborhood to come, but I really am afraid to put myself out there. What if I commit to this for my kids and I get the same wretched response? I honestly don't think I could bear it.
But let me say, that I do have some amazing friends. I just wish they lived a little bit closer. I am very grateful for them and for their love and support.
Going back to my original thought about the interesting book. I did have a great discussion with Rinar about this book and he made a great point. I shouldn't be so concerned about being interesting, but in being interested. I really want a full, interesting, and interested life, full of people who let me be a part of theirs. I guess I still need to figure out where to look. It has been a rough start for me and this neighborhood. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love where I live and I really have nice neighbors. It would just be nice if a few of my nice neighbors made an effort to show up once in a while.