Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My Kids Hopes and Dreams

Now that I have a girl, I have realized something very important. I am going to be able to fulfill all of my lifetime dreams. My kids are going to be able to do lots of amazing things.

For example, Julia can participate in pageants. She can strut around and shake her little booty so that creepy 40 year-old men can ogle her petite 4 year-old body. she can learn poise and confidence. I may be slightly overweight and average looking, but I can show the world that I should be allowed to procreate. but my daughter will be beautiful.
Hopefully, with all of the skills she will learn from pageants, she can grow up and marry some rich guy or be a model or something totally awesome like that. Everyone will look at her and serve her and fawn over her and her gorgeousness. She can even be famous! Wouldn't that be an amazingly wonderful thing? She will never have to work or struggle or earn anything for herself, it will all just fall into her lap.

Raef will be a NBA basketball player. He is tall and very athletic. He will play year-round. We will get the best coaches and make sure we buy a house in the best basketball school district. Wait, Findlay Prep is in town. We actually won't even have to move! We will just get a 2nd mortgage on the house to pay for the tuition. I mean, the kid loves basketball. What is there not to love about it? Since we will invest a boatload of money and I am obsessed with basketball, I will force him to play until he despises me and the sport. But he can quit anytime if it isn't fun anymore.
Zach is going to go to Harvard. I didn't get to go to Harvard, but he will. It will be just like I went there and I can brag to all of my friends that I have a Harvardian(?) and they don't. Since I didn't put the work or effort in to get the grades and tests scores, I am going to expect Zach to do it instead. He will study until his eyeballs pop out of his brains. Plus, he has to be well-rounded, so he will have to be the student body president, eagle scout, violin virtuoso, golfer, and have 5000 hours of community service, among other things. When he complains and starts to crack and need therapy for the impossible standards I will set, I will remind him that it is my his dream to go to Harvard and he has to work for it!
Eli will be a world-renowned singer and amazing guitar player. I always wished that I could play the guitar and sing and be on the stage. Now he gets to do it instead. Isn't he lucky? He will be famous, too! Don't we all want to be famous? It is something to live for, to strive for, without a doubt. Let me call that modeling agency. Where did I put the number?
Harry will live at home with me until he is 35. I have to have a baby in the house. I am a mom after all.


likeschocolate said...

This is too funny! Good luck!

Fe024lixV_Ferrari1 said...


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