Don't Leave It Unsaid

Pregnancy is an emotional safari. The process takes a long time and you make many discoveries along the way. For my first pregnancy, I remember coming home from work and watching an episode of "E.R." and it really scared me. Nurse Hathaway was pregnant with twins (like me) and it just happened to be the show where she gave birth.  The first one came out just fine, but then everything fell apart and she had to get a c-section.  It was all too real for me and I really didn't want that sort of thing happening to me.

Luckily it didn't, but when you are going through the same life experience as a fictional character on a popular television show it can become very real.

Fast forward to today.  I was reading the local news on my little iPhone, and saw a tragic story that happened today in Orem. A mother of six died in childbirth. This was the headline today. Whoa. Katrina Lawrence, a real mom, gave birth to her sixth child and then died. Does this even happen anymore?

Heartbreaking. So heartbreaking for her six beautiful children, left here without a mother. Yes, she is the same age as me and her kids are just about the same age as mine. It just makes me weep.

I know that I have a Father in Heaven and that He has a plan for me and for her. But at this point in my life, it would just tear me to pieces to know that I would have to leave my kids. I love them so much. And just so that nothing is ever left unsaid to my little brood, I thought I could just take a minute to write down my feelings about them. Some day they will see it, even if it is when they are old and gray and are pouring through Mom's old papers and reminiscing after I am long gone. 

I just want them to know without a doubt...

Raef, you are the most darling, adorable, lovable, kind-hearted spirit I have ever known. You are so thoughtful and smart and dedicated and caring, not to mention incredibly handsome. You are careful to include everyone in your circle. You are a true friend, and especially to me. Thank you for all of the love notes you leave on my pillow, the many laughs we have shared, and for your helpfulness. Our family could have never had a better oldest brother than you. You are going to make this world a better place and I can't wait to see it happen. (p.s. Don't tell the other ones that you are my favorite.)

Zach, oh Zach.  Boy, you can drive me crazy, but I really wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you so much for your off-the-wall comments, facts, soliloquies, questions. I would have a completely and utterly boring life if I didn't have you in it. I love you so much. You are so smart, kind, determined, focused, funny (yes, your jokes really are funny), stalwart, brave, and amazing.  I marvel at you and what you can do. You have an amazing mind and an honest heart. I can't wait to see what you do when you are an adult. I don't think the world is going to know what hit them.  And try to keep this to yourself, but you are definitely my very favorite kid.

Eli, you are my beautiful little boy with the stormy blue-green eyes and big eyelashes.  Man, do I love you. I love to kiss your squishy cheeks and rub your belly. Thanks for letting me, even though I know it probably annoys you. You are a pleasure and a joy, so easy-going (except when you're not sometimes) and full of love. You have a tender heart and a gallant spirit. Your personality is just starting to emerge and you are a force to be reckoned with. You are so quiet and then a tidal wave of words and when you put your mind to something, there is nothing that will hold you back. You are smart and fearless and you constantly amaze me with the things that you can do. Thank you for your hugs and kisses and apologies. And you know that you will always be my favorite, but make sure not to tell your siblings.

Harry, I always worried that you would be forgotten in our family because you are the number four boy and your twin is a girl. But what was I worried about, really?  You are not someone who will be ignored. You have a voice and you know how to use it. Don't ever forget that! What a gift that is. I call you Happy Harry because you always have a smile on your face, except when you are crying, of course. And even if you don't smile, your eyes always do.  You give the best kisses and cuddles. You really are my boyfriend and every Mommy needs one of those. You are a hard-worker and a diligent helper. You are dedicated and very determined and your heart is full of so much love. My love for you is eternal, my little Harry Bobbers and you are definitely my favorite. Shhh...it's a secret.

Julia, my only daughter. I always wanted a daughter and look how blessed I am! You are so beautiful, girly, and tough all at the same time. You are a bit mischievous and love to get into my make-up, especially the lipstick or walk around in my shoes. You have a wicked imagination...the world is yours. Heavenly Father made you perfectly. You love to twirl and will pretty much only wear dresses, especially the twirly kind. Pink is a given, of course. You have a heart full of love and you leave a path of joy wherever you go. I love you so much, little girl. I enjoy all those moments with you and look forward to your path toward womanhood. You make this world a more beautiful place and this world needs more beauty and of course, you are my favorite.