I ...don't...really like it.
There, I said it. I am torn both ways on the whole thing. On one end, I feel really sad about the state of my relationship with my own mother. I try to blow it off, but it just makes me so sad. I love my mother and am so grateful for all of the things she has taught me and sacrificed for me and my happiness. I am blessed. I just wish I could be her friend and hear her voice and have some kind of relationship with her. I know she has many troubles and things going on in her life, but it would be so nice if I could just call her or she would call me, just for the heck of it...just because she likes me and wants to tell me about her day or anything mundane. It would be awesome, to hear her voice once in a while.
Last year I called her for Mother's Day, and she made it very clear that she hates Mother's Day and she feels like a failure. I feel so sad that she feels that way. But what am I supposed to do about it? I have no idea. I can't be a friend to someone who is unavailable.
But this brings me to the flip side. Now, I find myself having the same feelings of inadequacy. I am my mom's daughter, for sure. I can let the negativity overwhelm me sometimes. Here I have my five wonderfully beautiful, loving children and I am dwelling on the negativity. I don't want to be that way but it can be hard to overcome at times. I go to church and everyone tells me how wonderful I am. I am a mother. That is wonderful. But sometimes I don't feel so wonderful.
Especially these two, they really have a lot of patience for their mother.
So I guess I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and in 20 years my kids will all call me on Mother's Day, or send me flowers, or come and visit me with their kids. Hopefully, they will all be my friends and we can talk about the mundane stuff... any old time, not just on Mother's Day.