This last week has been eventful, to say the least. After the "thrill" is gone, it is all starting to sink in...and I am scared to death!
Oh, let me catch you up, if you haven't heard the news.
I am pregnant...with TWINS!
This is not a typo. For those of you who do not know my family very well, I already have twins. They are seven.
After seven years, you forget a lot of the bad stuff and only harbor a place in your heart for the wonderful things two bring you. However, since I found out last Tuesday that I am having twins, again, many things have started to come back. These are the things you try hard to forget about.
Let me take you back: on Tuesday I went to the Fertility Center of Las Vegas for my ultrasound to see if the "glue" they used was any good. They must have used the good glue, because both embryos implanted. I was laying on the table and she turned the screen my way and it was very obvious. My mouth was doing an involuntary grin, but I felt like I wanted to throw-up and it was not from morning sickness, I can assure you.
Rinar is absolutely thrilled. He was in Albuquerque and so I called him as soon as I could. Then we decided to tell the kids. They jumped up and down with joy. It lasted for about 1.5 seconds and then Raef asked me if he could play a computer game. As you can see, they have really taken this to heart.
We decided there was no way we could keep this a secret because too many people knew too much to begin with. Also, it probably doesn't help that I wrote a lengthy blog on the whole IVF ordeal. So, I guess secrecy was out of the question. It all started to unravel like an onion anyways.
Now that everyone knows and reality is starting to hit me like an anvil hurled down from Mount Olympus, I have been thinking of the many obstacles I will be facing really soon.
First of all, I feel great and the pregnancy seems to be going well. However, when I was pregnant the first time, I went into pre-term labor at 28 weeks. It was a little scary (although I was too dumb to realize how precarious it really was) and I was put on strict bedrest. It was probably because I was dilated to a 2 and 80% effaced. I had to have a muscle relaxer constantly pumped into my body through a catheter in my leg and it required twice daily contraction monitoring and a whole lot of doctor's visits. Suffice it to say, I don't have time to be on bed rest this time around.
What am I going to do?
I am not worried about Raef and Zach. They can do most everything on their own, including making breakfast and lunch. If I really work with them in the next few months, I am sure I can teach them how to make a few dinner meals as well, like macaroni and cheese. Hey, you have to learn it some time, so why not now?
The wild card in all of this is Eli. He is a baby. When I am due, he will only be about 20 months old. He needs a lot of attention and love. I need to pick him up and take care of him. He can easily get sick or hurt. How am I going to do it? Plus, Rinar is out-of-town several days a week and so I am really on my own.
Which brings me to another point: three small children to take care of by myself. I remember waking up in the middle of the night because one of the twins was crying. I would pick him up and take care of him and not even have a clue who I was holding. This happened to me many times. However, I could take turns with my wonderful husband. This time around I will have to do the brunt of the work. Rinar also changed an incredible amount of diapers with Raef and Zach. I have changed the majority of diapers with Eli because it has just worked out that way. Now I get to triple the amount. It is going to be an incredible amount of work. There were also a million doctor's appointments that first year because they were premies. I just hope I can make it further along so that these babies will be healthier from the get go. If not, it is going to be even tougher.
These are just a few of the things I have thought of these last few days. However, there is one thing that has continued to dwell in my thoughts. I must not be ruled by my fears, but by faith. As the fear started to set in, I prayed fervently to my Heavenly Father. Then I opened the scriptures and ended up reading this verse in the Book of Mormon:
"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." -Mosiah 4:9
Wow. It really hit me. Do I believe in God? YES! Do I believe that he created everything, including me? YES! I know that I cannot comprehend all that He comprehends...not now, not for a very long time. However these are the things that I know...
God has worked many miracles in my life. When they were happening, I could not see them. I did not comprehend why things happened the way that they happened. But in retrospect, there is absolutely no doubt that He had a hand in all of it. My timing is not the Lord's timing and things happen for a very specific reason. For some inexplicable reason, my Father in Heaven has led me most assuredly to this place. I have complete faith in that. I must be ruled by my faith in Christ.
It is no coincidence that the Proclamation that has been hanging in my bathroom has haunted me with the scripture, "Children are an heritage of the Lord" and that we are supposed to have joy and rejoicing in our posterity. I have no desire to populate the earth by myself, for heaven's sake, but I know that I have a very specific role I need to play in bringing children to this earth, to a happy and loving home. Motherhood is not a complete definition of who I am, but it is a vital part of me. Yes, I have many interests that are my own and goals that I would yet like to achieve that have nothing to do with kids, but this is the time to have my family. I will rejoice in my posterity; just please ignore the yelling you hear occasionally emanating from the walls of my house, okay?
So, the reality is that I am having twins. I am going to say it now and then try to forget about it for the next little while. I have a lot I need to do for myself and for the children that are running around as we speak. I know that there are some really tough times ahead, but it will be an incredible blessing to hold those babies in my arms and love them with everything that I have.
The joy is in the journey.