Birthday Boys

Guess what? My little boy are now 11.  I just can't believe it. I am very proud of my boys and all of the things that they can do. They are smart and funny and very talented. But above all of that, and most importantly, I have been blessed with two little boys who have the most tender and loving hearts a mom could hope for.

The first subject we always do in our school work is to study the scriptures. Right now, we are reading the New Testament. Yesterday, I had the most amazing and spiritual experience with my boys. We were reading Matthew 27. This is the chapter where Jesus is condemned and beaten and humiliated and then crucified.  I explained all the aspects of the scriptures we were reading and what it all meant.  Then we came to verse 46. It reads...

"And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

I explained to my boys that Jesus was all alone, that even his Father had to turn away from him, even the Holy Ghost was not there to comfort him in his hour of greatest need. Jesus had to be all alone. He had to carry the weight of the entire world on himself. 

I looked at my two boys, with their tender hearts, and they were both in tears. And we cried  buckets together, thinking about the most heart-rending, yet necessary moment in the history of the world. They just cried and cried. It was such a genuine and raw moment. It touched me to my very soul. I don't think I will ever forget it, even until the day I die.



And so after a no-school day, lunch with dad at BJ's and an awesome performance by Raef at the Reno Philharmonic with his teacher Dustin, I am just excited.



I am excited to see my boys transition into manhood. They are growing roots of testimony deep. They are starting to see all of the possibilities that are in their grasp. They are blossoming into incredible human beings. They are my sons but I know that they are always going to be my friends.

When I count my blessings, I start with these two.

Receiving Gifts

Several years ago, my family was driving up to St. George from Las Vegas. We realized as we started out on our journey that we needed some snacks.  Our kids were young and hey, who doesn't need a good snack for a long car drive?  We stopped at the closest gas station we could find, which ended up being in the middle of the rough part of Vegas. It didn't really bother me as it looked a lot like the neighborhood where I grew up.

After perusing the store, we headed to the register to make our purchase. There was a man standing in front of us who seemed a bit down on his luck. He was dirty and a bit raggedy, but still a nice enough guy.  Out of the blue the man decided that he wanted to purchase our items for us.  What!?! If anything, we should have been buying this guy his stuff, as it looked like he needed it a lot more than we did.  After a little bit of an argument, Rinar acquiesced and let the gentleman pay for our food items, which probably equaled about $8 or so.  Rinar graciously said thank you to the man, and we were on our way.

But that has always stayed with me.  This man really wanted to buy our stuff. He wanted to do something nice. I felt a peace inside of me knowing it was the right thingto do, to just graciously accept the gift he was giving us.  It was so very kind.  It was his choice to give it to us. And I have realized over the years that it was not my place to decide whether he should have the right to give me that gift or not. If I didn't let him help us or do something nice for us, I would have robbed him of that joy. I didn't want to do that to him.

I have felt myself in this situation many times. This has been especially true during my first pregnancy. It was 6 weeks of strict bed rest. The ladies in my ward were so kind and brought us dinner every single night. We were inundated with food and kindness. At first it was hard to accept, but it really helped us. Then with the second twin pregnancy, my Relief Society president in Las Vegas would absolutely not accept a no from me, when she offered to have the Relief Society help me.  I realized I had no choice but to say yes. And once again, I had many loving women come to my house everyday to cheer me, clean for me, hold Eli, whatever. It ended up being quite wonderful.

I have been thinking a lot about this because of an incident that happened a few weeks ago. A kid from our ward stopped by to sell tickets for a school fundraiser. It was a wine and dine thing. He was so embarrassed that he was standing at my door because he didn't realize it was my house.  But I was happy to have him and exuberantly bought a couple of tickets. I knew there were several people from my kids' football team that would love to go.  I was just going to give the tickets to one of them, so everyone wins.

After purchasing the tickets and putting them safely away, I got a call from his mother a few hours later. She absolutely refused to accept my generous gift. I tried to explain to her that it was a pleasure to be able to help in some small way, but she would not hear it.  At the risk of being contentious, I just gave up. I was not allowed that joy of being able to help and contribute.

It kind of ticked me off.

Christmas is the season of giving AND receiving.  When someone gives you a gift, instead of making a judgement...I think the best thing to do is to just say thank you.

Don't rob someone else of the joy of giving. Somebody has to receive and it might as well be you.

I mean, the best gift comes from Jesus and I don't know about the rest of you, but I have chosen to receive His gift gratefully and try to remember to say thank you every chance I get.

Forget-Me-Not

Tonight was the Relief Society's annual broadcast. It always comes the week before fall General Conference. What a blessing it was for me to go tonight.  The first three talks by the Relief Society Presidency were really good: Do it as if He were here, have more charity, make and keep sacred covenants.  I appreciated their messages.

But then Pres. Uchtdorf spoke, and he must have written his talk specifically for me.  He talked about the Forget-Me-Not flower and used it as a metaphor for life.

The first 'forget not' was to be patient with myself. {{sigh}}  What I am doing is just good enough and I am still loved no matter what.  

Make good sacrifices, be happy now, remember the 'why' of the gospel, and don't forget that the Lord loves me.

Sisters, wherever you are, whatever the circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you, with an infinite love.
—President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Thank you President Uchtdorf.  I don't feel 100% yet, but I feel a lot better.

Commandments Are a Blessing

 Cease to be ^aidle; cease to be ^bunclean; cease to ^cfind fault one with another; cease to ^dsleep longer than is needful; retire to thy bed early, that ye may not be weary; arise early, that your bodies and your minds may be ^einvigorated. (Doctrine & Covenants 88:124)

For many years I have pondered this commandment,"retire to thy bed early..."  It has never been easy for me. I love to stay up late and sleep in.  It is just my thing, the way I have programmed my body after many years of living this way. Yet, it is not what is best for me.

Well, for the last few weeks or so, I have been going to bed early and waking up in the 6 o'clock hour. It has been a blessing. I have been able to get the most important things done immediately.  I exercise, say my prayers, read the scriptures, and greet my waking children with a smile on my face.  I have been ready to go.

And it has served me well.  Some days were tough this week, but not insurmountable. I invited Christ to be a part of my day, and He did not let me down.

I hope that I can reprogram my body to a new lifestyle that is more in line with the scriptures. I feel that it is important to my eternal progression.

I have also struggled with the daily grind of taking care three toddlers. It can be overwhelming to the point of mental asylum.  I came up with a very simple solution to my "Trial and Tribulation". When I feel the weight of the world pressing down upon me (I would define this as crying-induced deafness), I hide away in my bathroom, lock myself in, and pour out my heart to my Heavenly Father. I don't want to be the mother that screams and yells and has no emotional control. I was turning into THAT woman.  I knew I had to make a course correction.  Prayer is my anchor and my salvation.  These words reverberate...

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their^aweakness. I ^bgive unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my ^cgrace is sufficient for all men that ^dhumble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make ^eweak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

I will have to constantly correct my course on a daily basis so that I can have heavenly peace with me, and the Spirit to guide me and comfort me.  Heavenly Father has definitely exposed a major weakness I possess. But I believe His promise. He has given me a weakness to keep me humble.  I know this weakness will become my biggest strength when the time is right.

I am awed by the fact that when I keep the commandments, my joy and peace are immeasurable.  I am learning to love the commandments. They set me free.

Forgiveness...Come and Eat!

My grandmother passed away on Friday. Death is not the tragedy for her. The tragedy is the anger and hurt she held on to for decades against loved ones who had wronged her throughout her life. She would not budge in her "rightness", and would not see the beam in her own eyes.  I mourn for her spirit, knowing that even now as she has been freed from her dilapidated physical body, her spirit must still be hurting from the heavy load she carried with her throughout her life.  I love my grandmother. She was a great lady and always kind and loving to me.  But she suffered...spiritually. Why? Because she could not forgive.

Forgiveness is a miraculous gift. It is a gift freely given to every human being who walks the earth. Yet, it is the gift probably the least utilized, even by people who know Jesus Christ and profess to believe in Him.  

Several years ago, I had the privilege to read a life-changing book at my Sunset Book Club.  Ironically, I really didn't want to read it as I thought it would be cheesy.  Even after I read it, I thought it was cheesy. But thanks to the discussion I had at book club about this book, it changed my life forever.  

It is called, "The Peacegiver: How Christ Offers To Heal Our Hearts and Homes"

Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of every person who has or will walk this earth. I don't understand the hows of it all, but I do know that He did it.  Because of Him, He paid every last ounce of sin and suffering on this earth. I know this is true.  

I am a sinner. I have hurt others throughout my life by my poor choices, and I most assuredly will in the future. I stand condemned before the Lord.  It is only through the merits and grace of Jesus Christ that I am clean, because of the faith I have in Him. 

He forgives me so freely when I repent of my sins.

But doesn't this go both ways?  

When I offend others, when I hurt others, I can repent, knowing that because of the atonement, my sins have been paid for already. Yet, people will offend me. People will hurt me.  Guess what? Their sins have been paid for as well.  When I choose not to forgive, even when they have not asked me for forgiveness, I am denying Jesus Christ. I am calling Him a liar.  I am carrying an unnecessary burden of hurt and pain, a burden that should not be mine.

I love this little story by Boyd K. Packer...

So many are like the immigrant woman who skimped and saved and deprived herself until, by selling all of her possessions, she bought a steerage-class ticket to America.

She rationed out the meager provisions she was able to bring with her. Even so, they were gone early in the voyage. When others went for their meals, she stayed below deck—determined to suffer through it. Finally, on the last day, she must, she thought, afford one meal to give her strength for the journey yet ahead. When she asked what the meal would cost, she was told that all of the meals had been included in the price of her ticket.

Isn't that great?  Here is a woman who tried to do it on her own and suffered terribly.  The food was already paid for with her ticket.  But she was so stubborn, she refused to ask for help.

As we go through life and hold on to hurt and grievances that others have inflicted upon us, we are like this lady.  We starve ourselves of God's love and our hearts wax cold. It is a disease that will destroy us.  We deny Christ and His perfect and free gift, just like the food on the voyage.

When we deny forgiveness in our hearts, even when the person has not asked for our forgiveness, we carry that load of sin upon our own shoulders. 

And guess what? Over the years, the load gets very heavy.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30)

Were you hurt? YES! Did the offender sin against you? YES!  But hasn't that sin already been paid for?  YES!!  By golly, yes.  It has been bought and paid for by the drops of blood spilled by the Master.  His yoke is the atonement. He did it all, bore it all, suffered it all. It has already been done.

Give it all to Him: every hurt, betrayal, wrong doing, unkind word, violation. Give it all to Him, and you will find rest unto your soul.  Let it go, completely, utterly. Surrender your pride, your self-justification, your martyr mentality. Give it to Him and have complete faith and trust in what He has already done for you, but not just for you, but for all of those who have or will sin against you.

You shall find rest unto your soul and peace. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you” (John 14:27) Forgiveness is the key to peace. Christ has forgiven me...and everyone else.  Forgiveness brings peace.

I have had people who have hurt me. But when I made a conscious decision to forgive them, the forgetting soon follows.  It really does.  Just like being pregnant with twins, twice.  It is a vague memory. I remember that it was tough, but the particulars are dulled from my senses. However, the fruits of pregnancy have been wonderful.  I remember the good things and I enjoy the good things everyday now that I am a mother. This has been true with my childhood as well. I remember the good things and I revel in that. Everything else is not my problem. It is not a debt I have to carry or pay for, because it has already been paid.

So, I mourn for my grandmother only in the fact that she was carrying an awfully heavy load. It must have been very hard for her. She had many siblings who have done the same thing and now none of them talk to each other. They all are going to die alone and angry, if it hasn't already happened.  Grandma is like that poor immigrant lady. She kept herself stubbornly in the bottom of the boat, desperately trying to make it to the end of the journey while she was starving to death, starving herself from the love of God, when it was free for her. All she had to do was go up there and eat.  

How grateful I am to have a testimony of the power of forgiveness.  My heart feels free, my burdens are easy to bare, and I have an outpouring of love all around me. I can feel it. It courses through my veins. The atonement is real. It will work in our lives to a power that will be beyond all comprehension.  And oh how sweet is the joy when we let it. 

Forgive and be free.

A Heart Like His

I have been thinking about the concept of an open heart. Last year we did a book club selection, A Heart Like His by Virginia Hinckley Pearce. It is a very simple book, a quick read. I really didn't think much about it. I guess I filed it away in a small recess of my brain where it gathered some dust. But I have been thinking about it quite a bit lately.

My sister Christi sent me a book to read last month, The Bonds That Make Us Free by C. Terry Warner. It has had a profound impact on her life and I have greatly enjoyed reading it. For some reason, it has helped me to remember the things I learned from Sister Pearce. We want to have a heart like Jesus Christ. It is what we should want.

Do things because you have a profound love of God and because it is the right thing to do. When your motivation is pure, everything works out: relationships heal, you heal, you exude love and are attractive to those around you. In other words, you become a window to the love of Christ. When people see you, they will really see Him. I love this. I have loved it intellectually for a while, but in the past few years I have tried and continue to try to practice this. I want a heart like His. I will question myself: why am I doing this? For what purpose? If I am afraid of offending someone, I will examine what my motivations truly are. If they are good and true, then why should I be afraid? I press forward.

We can get bogged down in our own insecurities and fear, whatever that fear may be. Why? Why should we be afraid? We have all been sent here by a loving Father in Heaven. Since I believe this is true, that means that I am very special. I can do anything. I want to unlock my heart even more. Yes, it may expose me and leave me vulnerable, but so what? There are people around me who need me. They need the things I can give: my loud laugh, my weird sense of humor, my sarcasm, my charming personality. They need all of it. It is who I am. I cherish it.

I may not have the perfect body or the cleanest house. I certainly am never going to win any sort of fashion award and I still bite my nails. However, I have been blessed with so many talents. I can sing, sew, decorate, teach, serve, and love, just to name a few. My heart will be open.

I am not going to timidly sing because I am afraid of looking silly. Nope. My voice will ring out (or sometimes crack, which frequently happens), whether it is with a large congregation or a small gathering. I will sing because it is what I love, but more importantly when I sing my very best every single time, I give others around me permission to sing their very best as well.

I will sew and decorate my best and share my creations with those around me. I love to create things and I will have an open heart so I can lift the hearts of those around me. Their joy is my joy just for the sheer pleasure of joy.

I will teach to my fullest and pursue learning because it brings pleasure to my mind and soul. I do it for the joy of it, not for what I hope it will bring to my kids by way of scholarships or awards. I teach because it is the right thing to do and I want my children tosee how much pleasure it brings to me, just to learn for learnings sake, not for the grade it will get.

I will love and cherish what I have because I know that it is a heavenly gift. Everything I have comes from God. I want to have that pure love of God woven into every fiber of my being. It takes one strand at a time, but I am learning. Even if I am used or mistreated, I don't want to ever be cynical or sour myself to humanity. I want an open heart like His.