Forgiveness...Come and Eat!

My grandmother passed away on Friday. Death is not the tragedy for her. The tragedy is the anger and hurt she held on to for decades against loved ones who had wronged her throughout her life. She would not budge in her "rightness", and would not see the beam in her own eyes.  I mourn for her spirit, knowing that even now as she has been freed from her dilapidated physical body, her spirit must still be hurting from the heavy load she carried with her throughout her life.  I love my grandmother. She was a great lady and always kind and loving to me.  But she suffered...spiritually. Why? Because she could not forgive.

Forgiveness is a miraculous gift. It is a gift freely given to every human being who walks the earth. Yet, it is the gift probably the least utilized, even by people who know Jesus Christ and profess to believe in Him.  

Several years ago, I had the privilege to read a life-changing book at my Sunset Book Club.  Ironically, I really didn't want to read it as I thought it would be cheesy.  Even after I read it, I thought it was cheesy. But thanks to the discussion I had at book club about this book, it changed my life forever.  

It is called, "The Peacegiver: How Christ Offers To Heal Our Hearts and Homes"

Jesus Christ atoned for the sins of every person who has or will walk this earth. I don't understand the hows of it all, but I do know that He did it.  Because of Him, He paid every last ounce of sin and suffering on this earth. I know this is true.  

I am a sinner. I have hurt others throughout my life by my poor choices, and I most assuredly will in the future. I stand condemned before the Lord.  It is only through the merits and grace of Jesus Christ that I am clean, because of the faith I have in Him. 

He forgives me so freely when I repent of my sins.

But doesn't this go both ways?  

When I offend others, when I hurt others, I can repent, knowing that because of the atonement, my sins have been paid for already. Yet, people will offend me. People will hurt me.  Guess what? Their sins have been paid for as well.  When I choose not to forgive, even when they have not asked me for forgiveness, I am denying Jesus Christ. I am calling Him a liar.  I am carrying an unnecessary burden of hurt and pain, a burden that should not be mine.

I love this little story by Boyd K. Packer...

So many are like the immigrant woman who skimped and saved and deprived herself until, by selling all of her possessions, she bought a steerage-class ticket to America.

She rationed out the meager provisions she was able to bring with her. Even so, they were gone early in the voyage. When others went for their meals, she stayed below deck—determined to suffer through it. Finally, on the last day, she must, she thought, afford one meal to give her strength for the journey yet ahead. When she asked what the meal would cost, she was told that all of the meals had been included in the price of her ticket.

Isn't that great?  Here is a woman who tried to do it on her own and suffered terribly.  The food was already paid for with her ticket.  But she was so stubborn, she refused to ask for help.

As we go through life and hold on to hurt and grievances that others have inflicted upon us, we are like this lady.  We starve ourselves of God's love and our hearts wax cold. It is a disease that will destroy us.  We deny Christ and His perfect and free gift, just like the food on the voyage.

When we deny forgiveness in our hearts, even when the person has not asked for our forgiveness, we carry that load of sin upon our own shoulders. 

And guess what? Over the years, the load gets very heavy.

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is ^aeasy, and my burden is light." (Matthew 11:29-30)

Were you hurt? YES! Did the offender sin against you? YES!  But hasn't that sin already been paid for?  YES!!  By golly, yes.  It has been bought and paid for by the drops of blood spilled by the Master.  His yoke is the atonement. He did it all, bore it all, suffered it all. It has already been done.

Give it all to Him: every hurt, betrayal, wrong doing, unkind word, violation. Give it all to Him, and you will find rest unto your soul.  Let it go, completely, utterly. Surrender your pride, your self-justification, your martyr mentality. Give it to Him and have complete faith and trust in what He has already done for you, but not just for you, but for all of those who have or will sin against you.

You shall find rest unto your soul and peace. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you” (John 14:27) Forgiveness is the key to peace. Christ has forgiven me...and everyone else.  Forgiveness brings peace.

I have had people who have hurt me. But when I made a conscious decision to forgive them, the forgetting soon follows.  It really does.  Just like being pregnant with twins, twice.  It is a vague memory. I remember that it was tough, but the particulars are dulled from my senses. However, the fruits of pregnancy have been wonderful.  I remember the good things and I enjoy the good things everyday now that I am a mother. This has been true with my childhood as well. I remember the good things and I revel in that. Everything else is not my problem. It is not a debt I have to carry or pay for, because it has already been paid.

So, I mourn for my grandmother only in the fact that she was carrying an awfully heavy load. It must have been very hard for her. She had many siblings who have done the same thing and now none of them talk to each other. They all are going to die alone and angry, if it hasn't already happened.  Grandma is like that poor immigrant lady. She kept herself stubbornly in the bottom of the boat, desperately trying to make it to the end of the journey while she was starving to death, starving herself from the love of God, when it was free for her. All she had to do was go up there and eat.  

How grateful I am to have a testimony of the power of forgiveness.  My heart feels free, my burdens are easy to bare, and I have an outpouring of love all around me. I can feel it. It courses through my veins. The atonement is real. It will work in our lives to a power that will be beyond all comprehension.  And oh how sweet is the joy when we let it. 

Forgive and be free.

The Extraterrestrial Highway

I made an impromptu trip to St. George on Friday.  I got a call from my Dad in the morning. He asked me to go. His mother, my Grandma Nell was on death's doorstep. She has had degenerative emphesema for many years now. Her body has really been beat up for quite some time.  Grandma has been near death many times, but I knew that this was really it.  I hastily packed up some stuff and I was on the road in less than an hour.  It took about 9.5 hours to get there, but we made it all in one piece.

I want to thank Officer Burgess, highway patrol in the middle of nowhere Nevada for not giving me a speeding ticket. He was very kind.

I got the kids to bed and then headed to her apartment. She chose to die at home, instead of at the hospital. My sister Catye was already there with her boyfriend. Grandma needed a morphine dose once an hour. We stayed up with her all night. Catye crashed around 2:30am, so I took the night shift.

At 7am, I had to get back to my house, because I knew my kids would be waking up. All through the night, Grandma was slowing down. She took fewer breaths every hour. She was unconscious the entire time I was there.  I knew it would be over soon, but I still had to take care of my little flock. I fed them and then took a nap on my bed. I woke up sometime around 10am and then headed over there once my mother-in-law was able to come over.  

As I was driving back, Catye called me. She had come over to my condo as well when the hospice nurses had returned in the morning, but she got back there before me.  She told me that Grandma had passed away while we were both at my condo.  It happened at 10:15am. It was very peaceful. She just stopped breathing and gave up the ghost.

On Sunday I took Raef, Zach, and Eli over to Uncle Lyf's house so that they could play with their cousins. They had a lot of fun.

Look who is reading my blog!!!

My Dad and Heather came up late Sunday night, and then Monday morning we cleaned out all of Grandma's stuff.  Now most of it is sitting in my garage. Catye is going to take all of the furniture for when she gets married at the end of the year.

I decided to go ahead and drive home yesterday. The kids have things they need to do here in Reno.  They did pretty good on the drive.  Thank goodness for DVD players and Redbox. We drove through some of the most desolate roads in America.  This road was my favorite.

Yep, it is the Extraterrestrial Highway. It skirts the north side of Area 51.  I think I counted 4 cars on the road for the 100 mile stretch.  Hence, I  might have maybe gone 95 or so for certain stretches of the road. 

This is one of the stretches of the Extraterrestrial Highway.

 I decided to snap some pictures while I was driving. It is actually quite beautiful, but more so when you are driving east.  The sunlight is at your back, so it looks a lot nicer. Driving west is not as flattering to the desert. The light washes out all of the color.

This was a potty break on the way to Tonopah. 

 The kids would wander around in the sagebrush when we would stop. Then it dawned on me that it might not be a good idea for them to go too far.  You know, rattlesnakes.  I actually ran over one on the road.


For the record, once you leave Mesquite, Nevada there are exactly 4 places to stop from there, before you get to Reno.  You better make sure you have enough gas in your tank, because there is a whole lot of nothing for a long way.  But, the more I make the drive, the more I love this state. It has its own kind of beauty.

This is my artistic shot.  A view from the front and back.

Happy Birthday America

We had a lot of fun for the 4th. Unfortunately, I do not know where my camera is at the moment, so I have no pictures of the weekend. Anyways, since the 4th of July fell on a Sunday this year, I thought it would be a good idea to go to St. George. In St. George, they never celebrate the Fourth on a Sunday, so we were able to watch the fireworks on the 3rd. It was awesome!

In the morning there was a small parade right outside our back door. The kids were still in their pajamas. We thoroughly enjoyed it. There was a lot of candy and Raef and Zach were not interested in picking it up off the street. I thought aliens had invaded their bodies or something. They must have still been asleep, I guess. But Eli was awake. As soon as a fresh batch was strewn across the pavement he was out there picking up as many pieces as his little hands could hold. Good for him.

After the parade, there were games and booths and such at the park. I coaxed the kids into playing some fiddle music there in some non-descript, shady corner of the park. Once we got going, we played about 10 different fiddling songs several times. Raef just improvised his viola harmony and it was really cool. In the end, the kids made $13.50 in the guitar case we left conspicuously open in front of us. They were wowed at how much money they raked in. My fingers were killing me, because I haven't played my guitar in so long and don't have good callouses. But it was worth it, because when we were done, they divvied up the money and used it for the rides and treats at the fair. It was great! Now I know how I can start paying for their violin lessons in the future.

In the afternoon we went to Rinar's grandmother's care facility and played our stuff again. The residents loved it. Rinar and his mom played their piano duet and while they were playing Grandma got up and started dancing all over the place with her walker. She really is the life of the party at that place. Rinar's mom then announced that I would be singing a song. Huh? I wondered what song I would be singing. Then she showed me the music and I didn't have a clue what the song was. I had never seen it. But luckily, it was simple and it sounded great. It was a song from the 1930's and you could tell that everyone there knew it. They all kind of sang along and their eyes sparkled. When I am old and someone is singing to me at a care facility, will my eyes sparkle when some kid sings a rousing rendition of, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Hmmm....

The director asked us if we would go play some songs for the Alzheimer's patients in the back who don't get visitors. We thought it was a great idea and so the kids got to play their songs some more. My fingers were really killing me by then. Ouch. But some how, I managed to make it happen. I sang again and the reaction was the same. It was really cool.

We had some friends from our ward in Henderson come up to see the fireworks. It was fun to share the evening with Sean, Cyntha, and their two little boys. Rinar's brother Lyf and his family also came over. So the six of us played Eight and Back (I really should write a blog about that game...) for a few hours while we waited for the fireworks. The kids ran around and played and it was really quite perfect. Babies fell asleep before the fireworks, so Sean and Cyntha stayed at the condo because their kids were asleep as well. They watched from the balcony and we walked over to my Grandma N.'s grassy viewing location. It was a lot of fun and Eli cheered on each BOOM!

Our Independence Day celebration was a big success. I love America! Happy Birthday!

The Grandma Rounds

We made the rounds this weekend in St. George. I will call them the grandma rounds. I think this many grandmas is making my kids' heads turn round!

Let's see, I have two grandmothers in St. George and now Rinar's grandmother, who has long been a fixture in Laie, Hawaii is currently residing in St. George. I never thought we would be able to see her before she passed on, but I was wrong. I mean, we can't just gas up the car and make a quick trip to Laie. At least, I don't know of any car that can do that yet. Maybe Steve Jobs is working on that as we speak.

Anyways, we went to St. George because Aislinn's daughter Jayde got baptized! Isn't that wonderful? She is now 8 and the room was packed with all of her extended family. Jayde's father has a lot of siblings with their spouses' and kids and there are five kids in Rinar's family. Everyone has young children, so let's just say it was a bit rowdy for her big day. But it was love-filled rowdiness. Isn't that the best kind?

Since we were all dressed up, we headed over to Kolob Rehab Center where Grandma Lillian is staying. She just went in, as she cannot live by herself anymore. She is practically blind and is suffering from Alzheimer's. I believe that a lot of the residents have this disease. We brought the kids to play a little concert for her with Rinar accompanying them on the piano.

They each played a couple of things they have been working on lately. When Zach was playing I heard Grandma tell her daughter Linda (Raef and Zach's grandma), "Does he know that he is really good?"

Grandma Linda confirmed that he knew he was really good. She said this a couple of times when he played.

Then Raef played the viola and again Grandma Lillian said to Linda, "Does he know that he is really good?"

Lillian asked many times who they were and everything and you knew that she wouldn't remember. However, she was thrilled that they came and played for her. She had a big smile on her face. She still seems pretty spry for her age.

When they were playing, there was also a lovely lady who parked herself in a wheelchair behind me and kept asking me the same questions repeatedly and by the way, she really likes Lillian! She told me that about 5 times.

When we finished at Kolob we headed to my Grandma Nell's assisted living facility to play for her. On the way, we picked up Grandma Wilma, my other grandmother. The kids played the same songs and Eli ran circles around them while they were playing, while Harry crawled everywhere. It was an entertaining show!

Of course we would put on an entertaining show, we are from Vegas you know.

Memorial Weekend

We had a lovely Memorial Day Weekend in St. George, Utah. I would first like to report that Eli is going strong with potty training. We were gone all weekend and he did great. I think he only had a couple little accidents.

We stayed with Lyf and his family in Hurricane. The kids had loads of fun playing with their cousins. I am so grateful that they get to play with lots of different cousins. I never got to know any of my cousins growing up because we lived so far away. It always made me sad. Now, they are strangers, in essence. I don't want that for my kids. It is a wonderful thing to be able to live closer to family. My kids definitely know all of their cousins well and they are some of their best friends. Here is Bryn and Mary Jane greeting us on our arrival. They were statues!


Julia got to experience a wonderful new creation...watermelon! She loving caressed the watermelon, admired the watermelon and ate the watermelon. Julia was on happy little girl.


We worked hard on Saturday and Monday cleaning up the condo and moving stuff in. I did a big yard sale expedition with Angie and I found some great treasures, including a $5 kitchen table. It was a little broken, but Rinar fixed it up. We also purchased new beds and I have tested them out. They work great.

On Sunday we went to church with Rinar's parents. It was awesome because Rinar's Grandmother C. was there! She has lived in Hawaii for a long time, but has recently moved here so that she can go to a long-term care facility. I gave here a hug and introduced her to some of my kids. She was very nice, but she didn't have a clue who we were. I didn't think she would. I missed out on getting a picture of her, but I will get one soon.

Since it was Memorial Day, I decided it would be a good idea to go visit Grandpa N. at the St. George Cemetery. I called Grandma N. and she came along. I am embarrassed to report that I have never seen Grandpa's headstone. That's right people. I have not gone back to visit his grave since the funeral. I always mean to go and I think about him all the time. I just never went and I never took my kids. At least now, I have proof that we have been. I just never worried about it because I know that he is busy up there doing important stuff, so he wouldn't be offended if I didn't visit his grave.

Then I realized I had never told my boys about Grandpa and how he died and everything. That was an interesting conversation as we were driving to the cemetery. You see, he was killed in a car accident about 5 blocks down the road and we drove right past it on the way to his grave. It was quite a show and tell moment.

Grandma is doing really well, see?


Before we left, Rinar and I went to the grocery store to get some flowers for Grandpa's grave. We took Eli with us. It was the cutest thing. He walked into the store and immediately grabbed a bag of Frito's corn chips. He hugged them like a teddy bear and carried them around. He was doing some serious shopping. It wouldn't have been my pick for chips but he seemed confident in his decision. He just looked up at us with that cute grin of his and we were hooked. Now I remember why I don't take my kids grocery shopping.

A Sudden Trip to St. George

It was an eventful weekend. On Saturday I got a call from my Dad telling me that my grandmother, his mom, has only 2-3 hours to live. Rinar and I packed up all of our stuff around 2:30 pm, jumped in the car and started to head up to St. George. It is a 1 hour 45 minute drive, so we were pretty confident we could get there in time. We had been planning on picking up Rinar's cousin Bethany at the airport and having her hang out at our house for the day until her late flight. However, we had to ditch her. I felt kind of bad for her. We arranged for some friends to pick her up at the airport and take her back, but it was sad that we couldn't visit. Beth is a pretty cool chick!

We went straight to the hospital, but we couldn't visit her because she was in ICU and visiting hours were closed for a little while. So, we sat around and waited. They decided to move her to a regular room and just see what would happen. I thought that she would pass away, but she didn't.

As far as I know, she is still alive. There may even be an outside chance that should could make it through the whole ordeal. Grandma has emphysema so it is very hard for her to breathe. She looks like she is very uncomfortable. I hope she will be okay. We will see what happens.